Dear Heidi,
I know it's weird, but this is Heidi from 14 years into the future. Just sit down, shut up, and listen, even though it's weird. Well, first, go make yourself a cup of hot coffee. You should drink that while reading this....the days of drinking coffee while it's still hot are going to come to an end, so do it now while you can.
I know this Mother's Day is one that's incredibly bittersweet for you. You're anxiously awaiting the birth of your first living child, and worried about every ache and pain. You're not sleeping well at night, up worrying about what could happen. At the same time that you're excited and happy about this little one growing inside of you (he's a boy, by the way), you're mourning the loss of what your first Mother's Day should have been like - with a baby in your arms, barely a few months old. That baby paved the way to opening your heart for his/her siblings, and there will be comfort in finding your way back to the Church and learning that he/she is in Heaven, praying for you. You will hold him or her in your arms some day, God willing.
I wanted to send you a quick note back in time, on this Mother's Day fourteen years later, to share some things that I wish you could know. Maybe it would save you some heartache and pain over the years......
1). First off, please don't stress about the importance of breastfeeding. Don't do the supplements and pills and supplemental nursing system and pumping around the clock. Just don't. None of it will end up working enough to exclusively breastfeed your babies, and they will be just fine. Only one of them will have allergies, and they're the same allergies that his dad and grandmother (who were both breastfed) will have, so it's more likely that it's inherited and not due to the formula. Formula will not ruin your children and/or your motherhood. What *will* ruin it at times will be the guilt and the lack of sleep and feeling like a failure as yet another pill or "trick" or lactation consultant won't be able to help you. Avoid that pain and depression, if you can.
2). Along those lines, don't panic about your 3rd percentile baby. It's a percentile for a reason, and he will meet his milestones. Don't let them scare you. He's now almost taller than you and WAY stronger than you. Don't stay up at night, panicking.
3). If you can, sleep more. Just go to bed. Staying up at night, worrying about weight gain and breastfeeding and reading all.the.books (because this is before blogs and the interwebz were really big). Just go to sleep. None of those things will matter in about a year, and lack of sleep will make the depression worse. Please trust me on this. Just sleep. Along these lines, don't worry about sleep training the first couple of babies. You will drop that conviction after seeing how anxious it makes you, and you will choose sleep over the "go back in every 5 minutes, then every 6 minutes, etc" routine that the books tell you to do. And guess what? In 14 years, you won't be able to tell which baby was sleep trained and which one wasn't. They'll all have the same sleep habits. Don't lose your peace over this. Just sleep.
4). While we're talking about newborns, let's go back in time for a minute and talk about pregnancy. Two things, really. One, don't eat for two in the next couple of pregnancies. I know, I know, it's hard to eat well with a little one in the house, and a husband in med school, but do your best and don't rationalize it. Trust me....it'll catch up to you and you'll find yourself with 80 pounds to lose and a slowing metabolism. Secondly, skip the epidural the next 4 times. When you give birth the next time, it will only work on half of your body, and it will be really hard. You'll go on to give birth naturally three times.....just go ahead and do it now. You are strong enough and you can do it. Just skip the epidural.
5). Step out of your bubble. Yes, it's easier to find friends in places and groups that you'll already be involved in (med school, playgroups, etc), and those will be amazing people. But, don't limit yourself. Reach out and find people who don't look and think and parent like you. They'll teach you more than any of the books and eventually, any of the blogs. Challenge yourself to see them for the beautiful people they are and allow yourself to learn from them.
6). Find friends who challenge you to be a better person. Not a more perfect person, like the blogs and Martha Stewart's magazine tell you to be. A *better* person. Find friends who challenge you to be truer, more virtuous, and more loving. They'll get you to Heaven faster than any magazine will. Find them, let them in, and hold them close. They'll be your true friends.
7). Take time for date nights, especially date nights "in". There won't be much money to go on date nights out....but you still need time as a couple. It takes too long for you and Mike to figure out that a date night in can be just as life-giving to your relationship as a date night out. Find that rhythm now, not later.
8). Skip the birth control that they offer you. It won't be worth it. NFP works, and learning that now will save you a nasty bout of depression.
9). Read more. Challenge yourself more. It'll be easier and seem more acceptable to let yourself fade as a way to be a "more perfect mom." That's a mistake, and don't even let that thought into your head. Keep reading, keep learning, keep dreaming. Don't stop writing, even if it's jotting down half thoughts on napkins, and eventually your smart phone. Keep those thoughts flowing, keep writing them down, and keep reading to bring new ones into the fold. The baby will be fine if you're not his cruise ship director for 24/7, even though the moms at play group and the magazines say otherwise. Find those experienced moms who challenge you to be better (reread number 6 until it's memorized), and they'll show you how. They'll teach you how to not let yourself fade away, how to keep that blue flame going.
10). You will make mistakes, and you will screw up. You'll lock yourself in the bathroom, crying, and beating yourself up for "ruining your kid." You *will not have ruined him/her* and you will go back out there, apologize for losing your cool, and you will pick each other up and move forward. No matter what they say, there is no perfect way to parent, no perfect way to raise a child. There is only the next right step, the next right thing, and that looks different for each family. Instead of being perfect, focus on doing the next right thing with the information that you have at the time, and give yourself the same grace that you give your friends who are upset about ruining their children and being a failure in their parenting.
11). Don't be afraid to be different. Your path is going to take you down some crazy twists and turns and developments. (And I'm sure the Heidi who will be around in 30 years will be able to teach me a thing or two, too). You won't follow the same path as everyone else, even your very closest friends. Not only is that okay, but it's a good thing. God called you to this vocation, this motherhood, this path for *your salvation*. He's calling you to this, individually. Your path to Him is different from anyone else's. Before this baby is even born, commit yourself to following Him, not them. He's what matters. Give in to this surrender now, and make room for the joy and peace that He wants to bring you.
And while I'm at it, never forget these two things:
But when people begin to talk about this domestic duty as not merely difficult but trivial and dreary, I simply give up the question. For I cannot with the utmost energy of imagination conceive what they mean. When domesticity, for instance, is called drudgery, all the difficulty arises from a double meaning in the word. If drudgery only means dreadfully hard work, I admit the woman drudges in the home, as a man might drudge at the Cathedral of Amiens or drudge behind a gun at Trafalgar. But if it means that the hard work is more heavy because it is trifling, colorless and of small import to the soul, then as I say, I give it up; I do not know what the words mean.
To be Queen Elizabeth within a definite area, deciding sales, banquets, labors and holidays; to be Whiteley within a certain area, providing toys, boots, sheets, cakes and books, to be Aristotle within a certain area, teaching morals, manners, theology, and hygiene; I can understand how this might exhaust the mind, but I cannot imagine how it could narrow it.
How can it be a large career to tell other people’s children about the Rule of Three, and a small career to tell one’s own children about the universe? How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone, and narrow to be everything to someone? No; a woman’s function is laborious, but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute. I will pity Mrs. Jones for the hugeness of her task; I will never pity her for its smallness. - GK Chesterton
The loveliest masterpiece of the heart of God is the love of a Mother - St Therese of Lisieux
Sincerely,
Heidi
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