Sweet Dreams, Sleepyhead: Why Sleep Matters and How to Get More of It

It's been awhile, I know, friends.   Our school year started, and I stepped back from ye old blog to focus on our work for awhile.

We've now completed three weeks and seem to have found our rhythm, so I'm dusting off the computer and getting back to work here.  Lots of things are in the works here at the Circus right now, and I'm excited to tell you about them....just not quite yet.   Soon, I promise!

For today, I wanted to talk a bit about something a little bit more serious - a follow up to this post.  There will be a couple of follow ups, actually, but for today, I'd like to sit down and talk about something that's near and dear to my heart right now:  sleep.

Now, I know what you're all thinking:  "Sleep?  Who needs sleep?  Well, you're never gonna get it!"  (You're welcome for the earworm).

But, all joking aside, guess what?

*You* need sleep.

Yes, you.

*Cue the laughter*, right?

I used to laugh, laugh, laugh when someone would suggest that I'd try to get more sleep.  I mean, how silly is that, right?    The dishes and laundry won't wash themselves.   The kids wake up all night long.   Husband's alarm goes off too early and wakes you up.  I know, I know.  I get it.   That's my life, too - there's always too much to do and not enough time, and the first thing and easiest thing to sacrifice is sleep.

I mean, there's always better luck tomorrow, right?

Wrong.

If you're dealing with health issues, even something as "simple" as cycle irregularities or heavy periods or a seemingly inability to lose weight, one of the absolutely imperative things that you must do is to take a good, objective look at your sleeping habits.

Are you spending less than 7-8 hours in bed every night?  (I know, I used to laugh at this, too).

Are you waking up often?

Do you struggle to get back to sleep when you've woken up?

Are you tired and cranky during the day?

Do you reach for caffeine all.day.long just to get through the day?  (believe me, y'all, I know.  I used to drink 1-2 pots of coffee A DAY BY MYSELF).

Does it take you a long time to fall asleep at night?

These are just a few of the questions you can use to evaluate your sleeping habits - you can easily pull back even further and take a look at other health-related symptoms to see if your sleeping might be part of the solution.   Like I mentioned above, cycle and weight issues could be related to sleep.  Your immune system can be affected by your sleep (or lack thereof).  Cardiac problems like high blood pressure and an increased risk of heart disease are linked to sleep deprivation.  Diabetes and kidney function are linked to sleep deprivation.

Brain function and our ability to make decision, learn new skills, and be creative are all related to sleep deprivation.   Sleep issues have also been linked to emotional struggles, like depression, suicide, and controlling our emotions.

Sleep affects our hormone production and our body's response to them, which is why women can have their sleep struggles show up in their monthly biofeedback, aka their period.  Our hormones also control things like our ability to feel hungry and full.  Have you ever noticed that you want to eat more when you're sleep deprived?  That's because our bodies are unable to stabilize hormone production and our response to them.  Sleep normalizes appetite.

Sleep improves insulin sensitivity and decreases your risk for diabetes.  It stabilizes your cortisol levels  - and cortisol levels that are all out of whack are very, very much going to be an obstacle that will be hard to overcome, no matter what diet or exercise program you decide to try.   If you're not sleeping, those programs will not be truly successful.

Sleep deprivation can reduce the effectiveness of our immune system, leaving you at risk to be sick more frequently.

It's during sleep that our body heals and repairs our vessels and brain pathways.  During sleep is when repairs are made to our cells.

To keep it short and simple:  Who needs sleep?  You do.  You need sleep.

Okay, so we've got that covered:  You need sleep.  I need sleep.  Most likely, we need more sleep.   It seems to be that the "magic number" for sleep for most adults is between 7-8 hours of shut eye a night. If you're anything like me, that number seems insurmountable and completely unattainable.

So, how do we get there?  How the heck do we, especially those of us with little ones at home or stressful jobs and lives, get 7-8 hours of sleep at night?

The official recommendations are usually along these lines:

- Reduce blue light in the hour before bed.  This means no screens - even if it doesn't seem like it, those screens are stimulating our brains.   Giving our brains an hour to "calm down" from the stress will usually lead to falling asleep faster and sleeping more soundly.

- Reduce caffeine and nicotine, especially in the 6 hours before bed.   This one made m laugh so hard in years past.

- Develop a sleep routine and stick to it, even on the weekends.   Basically, become a creature of habit, just like we do with our kids at bedtime.  The kids know that when bath time comes, shortly after that, they'll have a story and then it'll be bedtime.   We need to do the same for ourselves.

-Exercise and spend time outside each day.  

-Possibly research and try supplements and/or herbal teas traditionally used as sleep aids.   This can include things like melatonin, magnesium, and chamomile.

The lists usually include variants of these five suggestions, depending on your source.   Almost all can be distilled down to leave you with this short list of suggestions.  They seem so easy, but yet so very hard, don't they?    That's what I thought, too.   It seemed too easy, to simple, too basic to really get to the heart of my problem:  I was exhausted and my body was showing it.  How could something like an herbal tea or going outside *really* be enough to help me restore good sleep habits and truly effect my health?

Well, would you like a little bit of my personal experience and what worked for me?

Of course you would!  Why else would you be reading the Circus blog?  ;)

In all seriousness, this was something that I knew I needed to fix.  I was unable to make it through the day without oodles of caffeine, I was waking up dozens of times at night, I'd struggle to make it through a day without falling asleep on the couch, I was unable to lose weight, even while restricting my caloric intake, and my period was whacky.   Irregular in length, and so incredibly heavy that I'd be unable to leave the house on days 1 and 2 without both a super plus tampon AND an overnight pad (and then my errands had to be less than an hour in length, because I only had about an hour and a half before I'd soak through those).

Even after losing 40ish pounds, I was still struggling with this sleep issue.   I was getting woken up multiple times a night by children, and struggling to get back to sleep after each wake up call.   The next day, I felt like a zombie.  I felt better than the year before, at least (weight loss will do that to you), but my cycle wasn't regulating, and I still *felt* crappy.   Recovering from workouts became harder to do.

My coach and I started playing with my macros - feeding my body more carbs on a regular basis to try and support my thyroid, and with it, my hormone production.  That helped some, but not enough.   I started taking magnesium supplements as an additional support, trying to get those periods under control.   Again, more help with those cycle irregularities, but there was an additional side effect  - I started sleeping better.  It was easier to fall asleep at night, and I started feeling more rested.

My girls still wake up every night, at least once.   I don't think that's going away any time soon, so I had to take that into consideration when deciding on my next move to try and help support good sleep habits.   My goal needed to be to focus on my quality and quantity of sleep, while not stressing out about the fact that I was likely not going to be sleeping through the night just yet.

I was already exercising most days, and since it was still nice out, I was getting outside almost every day.  I was already taking magnesium, and wasn't really interested in any supplements like melatonin.  I was still drinking at least a pot of coffee a day, though.  I wasn't quite ready to give up my coffee habit, so I decided to focus on the next low-hanging fruit:  blue light.  

Now, like most of you (I'm guessing), I use my cell phone as my alarm.   I needed to make sure that setting my alarm at night didn't lead to "quickly" checking my email, Facebook, and Instagram.   I started using the "bedtime" function on my clock app (I have an iPhone) and setting it to remind me to get ready for bed at 10 pm.   Every night, when that notification pops up, I try to finish up what I am doing, and walk into my room and plug that phone in next to my bed.  

Then I walk away.

Mike and I had set 11 pm as our acceptable, "reasonable" time for bed when we'd talked about how to make sleep improvements when I first started thinking about it.   With our kids going to bed by 9:30, we felt like 11 was a reasonable time for us to aim for - it gave us time to finish up chores and spend some quality time together before heading to bed.   Because we homeschool and have always been more of a "relaxed morning" kind of family, the kids almost always sleep until 730/8 am on their own.   I knew that if I went to bed at 11, I'd almost be guaranteed to be sleeping until 7 am before a kid woke me up for the day.   That left me with a solid 8 hours in bed each night.   Setting this schedule and reducing blue light exposure before bed became my goal.

I'm happy to report that *most* nights, I was successful.  I still have some nights here and there where I'm not able to meet these goals.   Those are the anomaly now, though.

At this point, I'd started supplements, reduced blue light exposure, and set up a committed sleep schedule.   Now it was time to reduce caffeine, right?

Umm, not quite.  I still wasn't ready to give up my afternoon coffee.

I needed to set up a sleep routine first, silly!   I had a basic schedule, but other than getting rid of my phone, I didn't really have a routine for getting ready for bed.   That became my next goal.  

The routine that I've landed on is a simple one - I like to keep it simple, so that it's easy to take with me on our travels.   It also feels a little less overwhelming on a stressful day, too, knowing that I only have a few steps to accomplish to "achieve" my routine.    Step one was walking away from my phone.   Step two became brewing some tea - specifically this one.  I take my tea and walk away from the kitchen - even if all of the chores are not done for the day.  I curl up either on our living room couch or on my bed, with my tea and a book.   Not a book on my phone or iPad.  A real, solid, made-out-of-paper book.   Guys, I even paid my library fine so that I could check out real books again!  

I curl up with my tea, and read, until that tea is gone.   That usually gets me until around 1030, and then it's time to get ready for bed, get the dogs ready for bed, and it's lights out.

Alright, so I had a sleep routine and schedule, I'd researched and started supplements, reduced blue light exposure, and I was exercising and getting outside almost every day.  It was finally time to attack the caffeine habit.

This is still a work in progress for me, because I'm not actually a big fan of most hot teas.  I keep trying, but most of the time I just feel like a cup of tea is coffee's wannabe cousin who tries really hard to be cool but just can't quite cut it.   I know, I know, I can't be a real health nut without loving tea, but I just can't do it.   I'll keep trying, but other than that Mystic Monk tea at bedtime?   I just don't like it.

I started experimenting with other drinks to get me through that afternoon coffee habit - I found a decaf coffee that I actually liked from a  local coffee shop.   I experimented with things like golden milk lattes (which I love now).  I'm still working on it, but most days, I'm finding that less caffeine leaves me feeling MORE energized and less cranky.

So, did giving up my excess coffee habit help?

Guys.

GUYS.

Let me tell you how it's helped:

- I don't struggle to get out of bed most mornings.   I used to have a really good relationship with my snooze button.  Now I only use it if I happen to wake the baby up and need to get her back to sleep but don't want to fall back to sleep myself.

- There's not a mid-afternoon slump anymore.  I used to think that I abso-freaking-lutely needed that afternoon coffee just to get through until bedtime.  Now, I make myself a hot golden milk latte because I enjoy the time to sit and drink a hot beverage, NOT because I need a jolt to get through the rest of the day.

- My workouts are better and recovery faster.

- I'm not mindlessly munching throughout the day.

- Life is, overall, just more fun than it was when I was so tired all of the time.   I'm taking my little three on adventures and playing with them again by myself.  BY MYSELF.  No big kids for help!   I cannot tell you how shocking this is to me - just know that even a few months ago, the idea of taking the three on my own somewhere was completely and totally overwhelming.   Not gonna happen then, I can guarantee you that.   They haven't changed all that much.....the change has been my mood and energy levels.

- Now, this last metric is a bit harder to isolate as being related only to sleep, because I've also increased my food intake over the last three months (I'm climbing out of a deficit right now, to give my body time to recover before starting a weight loss phase again), and I started taking the magnesium as a way to help support my cycle health, but guys.  GUYS, let me tell you how my cycle has changed since focusing on sleep.   I went from a 21-28 day cycle that had luteal phases (the part of your cycle after ovulation) anywhere from 6-10 days long to a solid 26 day cycle with 10 day luteal phases.  Every single month it's the same now.  I'd love to see that luteal phase stretch a little bit more, but I'm working on it still.  10 days is the lowest "normal" length, so I'm back in the target zone again.   But even more importantly?   That crazy heavy flow that kept me at home every month on days 1 and 2?  GONE.   I'm no longer taking Motrin around the clock to reduce blood flow and cramps.  This month I have not even taken one dose.   Regular tampons are enough - none of that doubling up on tampons and pads stuff.  This month, my period was SYMPTOM FREE.  No cramps. No back ache.  No GI struggles.  No cravings.  No bloating.  No PMS.   Nothing.   Sleep, y'all.  It does wonders for your hormone regulation.

Is it worth it to me to leave dishes in the sink at night now?  You betcha.

Is it worth it to unplug at 10 pm and possibly miss some big excitement online?  Yeppers.

Is it worth it to replace that afternoon coffee with a golden milk latte?   Without a doubt.

Sleep.

Sleep has drastically changed my life - and health - for the better, and I can see it in my chart, my weight loss, my emotional health, and in my energy levels.

So......"Who needs sleep?"

I do.

You do.

Our bodies crave it.  Give in to the craving.  This time it's okay, I promise.

******

Struggling with sleep and getting enough of it?   Shoot me a message and I'll try to troubleshoot solutions for you!

Friday Quick Takes

Are those even still a thing?  For awhile, there was a blog link-up out there on Fridays, where you posted 7 quick mini-posts……do people still do that?   I’m out of the loop, haha.

Well, I don’t know if it’s still a thing, but it’s going to be one today at the Circus.   Lots of little updates, so pour yourself a cup of something hot and settle in for an exciting read.

Kind of.

Maybe.

Oh, just drink your hot coffee and I’ll get to rambling.  

K thx.  

******

Learning about an archaeology dig

1).   We did it.  We managed to finish our first week of homeschooling 5 kiddos here at the Circus, and no one is worse off for it.  I’m not sure *why* I did this to myself, but I also scheduled 4 days of gymnastics, 3 days of music lessons, 1 day with therapy for Mr T, 1 day with a dog vet appointment, 1 day with a hair appointment for Miss R, and one day with flu shots for the whole Circus.   Basically, the only day that was “normal” for us was Monday.   Whoops.   Did I mention that it rained all week and I couldn’t send the kiddos outside for most of the week to burn off energy?   Yikes.   But we survived.  I’m just very much looking forward to the Parent/Teacher Conference (cough cough date night) we have scheduled for later tonight.

G packing lunches with an attentive audience

2). One of the keys to our success this week, I’m sure, is a nifty little spin off of our “MomBucks” system at our house.   In a nutshell, I never have cash on me, so years ago, I started offering MomBucks (virtual money) to the children when they completed various, more difficult chores than what is already expected of them.   They keep track of them in a checkbook register, and can cash them in (with our approval) to make purchases.   When they cash them in, usually it just involves us paying for something for them when we’re in the store.   Sometimes they ask for real cash, in which case they have to give us 2 days notice to give me time to get to the bank.   Well, Mr J has had a phone since he started doing competitive cross country skiing - mostly so I could reach him while he was out practicing.   He pays for the access charges by babysitting for me, free of charge.   Great set up, right?  This year, we told Mr G that he could get one as well, but he was also expected to pay for those same charges.   He doesn’t get as many opportunities to babysit, partly because he’s not the oldest child, but also because he’s the one out of the house the most with sports practices.   I told him that he could propose a plan for earning enough MomBucks to pay for the phone, and we’d consider it.   He worked hard on his plan, and ended up submitting a proposal that included *him packing all of our lunches every school night* (he’s a smart kiddo - he knows I hate doing this!).  I agreed, and let me tell you…..friends, it’s awesome.   It has been *key* to our schooling success for me not to have to think about, cook, serve, or even really clean up from lunches every day.    Best parenting decision ever, there, y’all.

Left: Aug 8 Right: Sept 26 - I increased my food 250 calories
per day between these two pictures!

3).  I’m still working on my reverse diet over here on the macro side of things.  I’m still losing weight, so we’ve added more food into my diet this week.    It’s insane how much food I’m eating!   (I’ve gone up about 350 calories, daily, in the last 2 months).  I’m feeling great, and still so flabbergasted that I could be losing weight still.    I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that I’m likely going to have to go up even MORE with intake before we hit my maintenance point.   It definitely brings into perspective just how much I was starving myself before starting this journey!

Snapping a picture because this jacket didn't fit last fall

4). Speaking of macros, I signed up to start the training and certification program to become a coach myself someday.  I’m not sure exactly what I’ll do with the training - my goal isn’t to start a business or something like that.   I’m mostly wanting to go deeper into understanding the *why* behind my experiences over the last year, and gather more information to hopefully help our own family in the coming years.  Some day down the line, I’d love to be able to put that knowledge and my love for helping others into some sort of adoption-support program.   Maybe fundraising of some sort?  Maybe teaming up with other adoptive moms to provide physical and mental and educational support for adoptive families after they come home?   There’s so little of that out there, and it’s so greatly needed.   We’ll see….for now, I’m just super excited to see what I can learn!

5). Along the adoption lines, we’re kind of in a holding pattern again.  We ended up getting a soft approval for our family to move forward with an adoption with a specific country, however the child we were inquiring about was matched to another family during that approval process.   They referred us to the file of a second child, but he has some medical issues and uncertainties that we didn’t really feel like we would realistically be able to manage.   As much as it was difficult to say no, we felt that we needed to.   Our resources are so bare-bones up here in the tundra, and we’d likely be looking at care that was 5-7 hours away from our house.    It’s hard to go into an adoption knowing that, and realizing that it means that our children at home would be affected by it.  If we had family nearby who could help out with the day-to-day aspects of running a household and kids’ activities, or we had kids old enough to stay home alone and drive themselves to sports practices, our answer may have been different.   But we don’t.   So we didn’t.  Our hearts are still very open to a second adoption, though, so we will see where it takes us.

6).  I had to wake the kiddos up early this morning for our flu shot appointment, and Mr T was not having any of it.   I woke him up, and this was his response - to burrow his head under his pillow, and throw his blanket over all of it.   Haha.   He’s growing up so fast!

7).  Hmm….I’m not sure I have anything else to add, so I’ll leave you with this cute video of a couple of Circus clowns working on their poetry assignment for the week.   They’re learning Robert Louis Stevenson’s poem "Rain", and we’re adapting it to fit some of the clowns’ needs.   It’s not grammatically correct in ASL, but it’s a start - I’m more worried about ability to learn and recite than the actual translation.   Here are the first two lines, and a start at the ASL translation (“field” is a two part sign, and we’re still working on learning that one - it was new to both of them this week and it’s a bit tricky!).   Enjoy!

Are we short-changing our kids?

This is a blog post that’s been percolating in my brain for almost a year now - it’s just been bouncing around, and popping up at the most interesting moments since last March.

You see, in March of 2017, we inquired about adopting a young boy (9 months!!) from Mr T’s home country.   The placing agency, who was based in another state, was completely on board with us starting a second adoption, and after contacting their partner agency in Mr T’s country, we discovered that they, too, were supportive of us adopting another child.

However, with an adoption, you have to have a local agency (typically) perform the home study - it needs to be someone who can physically come inspect your house and watch your parenting in “real time”, and that report is your golden ticket for immigration approval and moving forward with the adoption.   We reached out to the agency who had done our home study with Mr T, since we were still living in Maine….and were told no.   The reason given?   They had a blanket policy of no more than 5 children under the age of 16 in the house.   We were told “I’m sorry, but we do not make exceptions to this policy.  When Mr J is older than 16, come back to see us.  We’d happily do it for you then!”

We were denied not because of our parenting, or our resources, or our physical home.  Nope, those were all fine.   It was purely the fact that we had more than 5 kids under the age of 16 at home.   There was no budging for the fact that our children were healthy and thriving and we could obviously provide for them - it was a technical policy, and it applied to our family size.

I won’t lie and say that I’m not still bitter about it.   We ended up with this job in Michigan, and a much improved family situation.   A move mid-process would have been difficult, because there isn’t an approved agency in our current area who could do the home study.   I know this now, but I can’t help but wonder about this little boy and hope that he’s in a good situation now.  I know he is no longer on the waiting child list for our agency, so my hope is that he’s been adopted and is now home in a family, and thriving.  

I think about that blanket policy often, and it’s been on my mind quite a bit this summer.   We’ve had a very busy summer, with lots of traveling, after adjusting to a new home and community, which can be very stressful on kids.  If I was honest about our move, I’d tell you that I was terrified to move so far away from the only home that my kids really could remember.  Some of the older ones have vague recollections of Arizona, but we weren’t there long enough for it to really stick as “home” in their minds.   Maine was home, and moving away from that home as a child was going to be possibly really difficult.   

We had some sad moments, of course, but I’ve been very surprised by the lack of strife with regard to our move this past year.   I keep waiting for the “other shoe to drop.”  We’re almost at our one-year anniversary in the tundra, and I’m starting to breathe more easily when it comes to adjustments and whatnot with the kids.

As I sat and watched the kids over the summer, I realized that it was precisely because of our large family size that our kids adjusted so well to our new home.   Now, I am *not* implying that kids in smaller families will not or cannot adjust well to a family move, but I do think that our family size had a lot to do with *our* individual move.

I think this is just one part of why these blanket family size policies and stereotypes bother me - they leave an implication that a child growing up in a large family is inherently growing up in a “less than” environment, or is inherently missing something.   In some cases, it’s not even implied - it’s explicitly stated that a child in a large family is being neglected.   Now, as much as it gets under my skin to have a blanket policy in an adoption situation, my frustration in these cases is more that it’s a blanket policy, with little wiggle room at some agencies.   I do understand that adoption necessarily comes from a place of loss and trauma, even in the best of situations, and that can be much more difficult to navigate logistically and emotionally when there are more people involved in the situation.   I do not think every large family policy in an adoption situation is a bad decision on the part of the agency - I know of many situations where a child coming home to a large family did not have a positive outcome, precisely because of past experiences or lack of training/resources on the adoptive family’s part.   I understand the concern.    I do not understand the lack of flexibility on the part of some agencies - in our situation, we were told to “come back in a few years”.   This implied that our family could provide for a second adoption and we had the skills to do so……we just didn’t have the right demographics.  It was, and is, frustrating.

All of this watching and thinking has led me to really examine my own thoughts and perceptions on family size. This has been a surprising thought exercise over the summer - I’ve uncovered some built in preconceptions that I didn’t even realize I had.   As I worked my way through them, I followed them back to conversations in my teen and high school and college years that colored my thoughts on what parenting and family looked like.  

I can remember hearing a lot of “There’s no possible way” comments with regard to larger families in my yesteryears.   “There’s no way they can spend quality time with each kid.”  “There’s no way those kids are able to do enough extracurriculars.”  “There’s no way they can truly support their dreams.”   “There’s no way they can take care of that many kids - the older kids are just being asked to be babysitters to their siblings.”  

I won’t argue that there isn’t some appearance of truth in these comments.   I would not argue that they are true statements, though.   Is it possibly true in some large families?  Sure.    It’s just not necessarily inherently true of all large families.

I do have to pick and choose what activities our family participates in, and sometimes that means that someone has to sacrifice an activity because it won’t work for our family.   We no longer do story times and regular playdates for the preschoolers - it just doesn’t work with our educational goals for our older kids, and education comes before story time.    Our older ones have to say no to some things:   outings with friends, or participating in an extracurricular, as examples.   There just aren’t enough people to go around to take them to these places, or the environment isn’t safe for the younger ones.  They may never participate in a homeschool co-op, because it just doesn’t work for Mr T’s needs.   

Our children will never have their own bedroom.   They just won’t, it’s a fact of our life as a large family.

Toys and belongings are shared at the Circus - there are very, very few items that we allow to be only one child’s.   Resources are meant to be shared - and this includes toys.  Each child has their own storage place that is for their personal belongings - special loveys, mementos, things like that.

In these ways, I suppose our children are inherently being limited because they are members of a large family.   I have not figured out how to bilocate yet, and I have not yet found our money tree.   Because of our family size, we do have to be intentional about time and money management.

Are these negatives, though?   Are these sacrifices that we ask our children to make really all that exclusive to large families?   I would venture a guess that there are some of you out there in *much* smaller families than the Circus who also live by these standards.   We’re not talking about large-family specific things there.

So, let’s look at the other concerns - the concerns of limited quality time, babysitting, and chores.    Are these inherently negative in a large family?

I would argue that these actually aren’t negative at all - these are the positives that we find in a large family.  Maybe someday one of the kids will come forward as holding it against us that they had to do chores, but I sincerely doubt it.

Quality time?  It’s amazing how much of this you can find when you’re being intentional about it.   A hot chocolate date on a grocery store run with Mom.   A weekend camping with “just the boys” with Dad.  Reading books one-on-one on the couch.   Being Mom’s helper in the kitchen every night.  All of these things are incredibly high-quality relationship building time, and all of them happen on a regular basis at the Circus.  

The best part?  It’s not just this way in the parent/child relationship.   The Circus clowns have 5 built-in best friends and playmates.  FIVE!   The bonds between them are intense and well-nurtured precisely because we are a large family:  there’s nowhere to hide for long at the Circus before someone finds you.  Our house just isn’t big enough for everyone to ignore each other.   It is necessary and *good* that they have each other, and they have each other all of the time.   I think this experience, and these bonds, are what made our adjustment during our move so smooth.   It didn’t necessarily matter *where* our family was, just that we were *together*.   

Are we not able to do more out-of-the house activities as a large family?  Yes.  It’s hard to find activities that cover our entire age span, and finances necessarily limit the number of “extras” we can do.   A local hockey game for four?   $56.   For 8?  $112.   Not including food.  

But do you know what that leaves us with?   An incredibly deep well of free time to be filled by quality interactions.  With no stress of having to get ourselves anywhere.   I realized this as I watched my three littles play together the other day.  I had been sitting there, feeling guilty as I realized that there was yet another story time at the library that I was missing with them.  I was worrying about how much they were missing out that I had done with their older siblings when I only had 2 or 3 of them.     When story time was manageable on my own.  I sat there, feeling guilty and worried that I was letting them down….and then I realized that they were engaging their imaginations and playing together in a way that I’d never let their older siblings do before.   I’d kept the three oldest on such a busy schedule of all these “enrichment activities”….but never let them do the beneficial work of playing and imagining on their own.   I watched the littles and realized something very important:   they were learning MORE by being able to explore and play and create on their own, without the special programs and activities.  

Do they have to do more chores?  Yes.  There are more of us, so some things (laundry and food prep, I’m looking at you) just have to be done at a bigger volume.   In order to make the house run smoothly, they have to pitch in.   Do I worry about taking away their childhood with adult responsibilities?  Sometimes, yes.   I stress about whether or not I’m asking them to do too much.    But….then I’m presented with a sound financial plan from one child, as he works toward a goal.    Or, I watch the teenager do laundry like a pro, knowing that I went to college not knowing how to wash my own clothes.  The 12 year old can jump in and help grandparents with the littler ones, because he knows basic baby care.   I can’t help but imagine that these skills will help them get far in life - both the physical ability of knowing how to do things like cook their own dinner, but emotionally/mentally, as well.   Knowing the value of working together as a team, and seeing the positive outcomes when each team member does their share will help them go far as future members of our community. 

Are large families short changing their children because of lack of resources, including lack of time? 

I don’t think so.  Let’s rethink the blanket policies and stereotypes, shall we?

Ladies, We Need to Have a Talk. Now.

Friends, we need to have a "come to Jesus" talk right now.

Ladies, this is mostly for you.  Men, you can follow along, because a lot of it will probably apply to you, too, but ladies?

I'm talking to you here.

I've written about this before, so maybe I'm just being redundant, but I really think I wasn't blunt enough the first time around.  This time?  I'm going to just come right out and say it:

Ladies, we are killing ourselves.

I don't mean this metaphorically.  I mean it quite literally, actually.

We are killing ourselves.

We're not even doing it slowly:  we are methodically and efficiently killing ourselves.

Ladies, when was the last time you got a full night of sleep?

Get this book if you're having
any period health issues.

When was the last time you had a real, painless, regular period? (sorry, guys, I have to go there.  I'll explain later).

When did you eat a real meal?  While it was hot?  While you were sitting down?

Maybe it's just a "mom thing" - you know, so busy with the kids and the house and the chores that you don't have time to do something so luxurious as cook your own meal for lunch.

I don't think so, though.

Too many of you have reached out to me over the last year:  depressed, lacking motivation, scared about what the future holds for you.  Sick.  Very physically ill, in most cases.

How many of you are losing hair?   Chalking it up to pregnancy hormones...even though the baby is two years old?  

How many of you find yourself waking up over and over and over again at night, and aren't really sure why?

How many of you watch life go by, but don't feel like you physically can join in?   

How many of you hurt when you walk or go up stairs or get down on the floor with your kids?

How many of you are scared that you're not going to live as long as your parents did?  Your grandparents?

Based on the number of messages I get on a regular basis.....I'd say a significant portion of you ladies reading this post have thought at least a couple of these things in the last few days.

Did it scare you to realize that you no longer were upset about not being able to keep up with your kids.....instead, you just didn't really even *want* to try to keep up with your kids any more?

Do you feel alone?

My first time being able to fit in a swing
at the park with the kiddos in YEARS

You shouldn't.   

You're actually very much not alone, based on emails and messages and questions that we've gotten in the last year at the Circus.

Ladies, we are killing ourselves.   

Those irregular, painful periods?   They're monthly evaluations that our body is trying to get us to pay attention to.  Our lack of sleep, our stress, our horrible diet patterns....they're all basically showing up in that period (assuming you aren't on birth control and are experiencing a true period).   Those symptoms?   They're showing us how we are killing ourselves.

Insomnia or lack of restful sleep?   Well, sleep begets sleep.  We know it, we live by it when our kiddos are tiny.   But do we apply it to ourselves?  Nope.  We just get up early and stay up late because we're under so much stress to DO ALL THE THINGS, BE ALL THE PEOPLE....and our hormones tank.   

We eat off of the kid's leftovers, or scarf down another meal replacement __________(fill in the blank here, they're all the same to me), or go through the drive thru one more time.   Then we beat ourselves up about it as we stuff it in our mouths and drive away.   It's a double whammy:  poor fuel for our lives along with a soundtrack of self-hate 

I get it.  I really, truly do.

We're busy.  We don't have a village anymore.   We are constantly scared of who is going to judge what we're doing and "turn us in".  

I'm right there with you.   I have 6 kids and a husband who works crazy hours.   One of those kids is not only adopted (which means invasive home studies and reports), but he's got some pretty visible special needs.   I'm scared *every single time* I leave the house with him to do something fun that this will be the day that a "Good Samaritan" decides that I have my hands too full and was neglecting him at the playground (even though I'm not, and I know he can do things like climb up the rock wall by himself.  You think I'm being dramatic?    I could probably buy a new car if I had $1 for every time someone has jumped in to "help" him at the playground when he didn't really need it.  Just something about him causes people to get a little panicked....).   

We live in a society that seems to have developed this idea that moms have to do it all and be everything and always be perfect.  Never a hair out of place, never a child's clothes mismatched, always with organic snacks and juice in the diaper bag.

I get it.  I feel it, too.   The stress, the worry, the fear that I'm somehow not sacrificing enough to be "doing a good job".   

The truth?

We will *never* be able to do a good job when we're sick (literally) and tired (literally).

Ask me how I know.

It's time for some straight talk now, ladies.

We need to stop this.  We need to stop allowing others to do this to us.  It will *not* be easy.   It will be hard and uphill and mentally exhausting at times.

But your life depends on it.  Literally.

I will be here, by your side, helping you muddle through.   Your kids and family will be *better* served by you being here.  I promise.

What I can't do is tell you what living looks like for you.   For me, it involved losing weight and redefining my relationship to food and exercise.   Mentally, it involved a lot of work on negative self-talk and self worth.   I should really say it "involves", present tense.    I'm still working on this - some days are better than others.   There are still a lot days where I have to convince myself that the time it will take to prep out easy, healthy foods will be worth it in the end.   Or that getting up off of my butt and going for a walk might be a "waste" of time when there's laundry to fold, but it will be a better use of my time, overall.   

There are days when I have to remind myself that *not caring* that life is passing me by is not an option any more.

Ladies, if you've been around long enough, you know that I'm not a fan of the fad diets or MLM pills and supplements and shakes and what-have-you.   Those are not what I'm talking about here.  I'm not suggesting that you go out and drop hundreds of dollars for the magic cure.

I'm sitting here, looking at you in the face (virtually), and saying:

"You deserve to *live* again.  I want to see you fully alive again.   It won't be easy, but it will be glorious, and you can do this."

Then take the next right step.  Whatever that is for you.   Go to sleep an hour earlier.   Eat a veggie at every meal.   Bump up your step count by 1500 steps.   

I like you.

I'm cheering you on.

You can do this.

Love,
Heidi 

                                      

How Our Homeschooling Has Changed Through The Years; or, How I Learned To Relax

Our homeschool "Mission Statement", which is displayed
in our schoolroom

We started homeschooling in the fall of 2011, just after moving to Arizona.  It had always been something that I was very drawn to, but Mike wasn’t fully on board when our oldest was the right age to start school.   We’d joined a co-operative preschool when Mike was in residency, and it had been a lifesaver for us:  because it was a co-op, I was forced into active participation with other members of our community, and it became our lifeline to the outside world.  With two small children at home, and Mike working 80-100 hours a week (rotating through night and day shifts or entire weekends away from home), that community formed an oasis for the kids and I to rely on.    He was hesitant to leave the traditional school paradigm, because he feared a lack of community like the one we'd found.

Then came kindergarten.   As a mom to a “young 5” child, I was very hesitant to send him to all day school, which was the only option in our area, unless we wanted to pay for a different preschool for a year….and that wasn’t really in the residency budget.   The co-operative preschool, while inexpensive, was maxing out our budget as it was, and I was cleaning the school on a regular basis to receive a break on that price.  

We discovered a local parish school that would allow Mr J to attend on a scholarship basis, and who had small classes (11 kids!), a wonderful teacher, and where the students actually attended mass weekly and holy days as a school.  It was a delightful fit, and a memory that we will cherish forever.  Mr J attended school there for 2 years, and while it wasn’t exactly what I was wanting as a family (early morning drop offs with now 3 small children, and afternoon pick ups during nap time, as well as missing Mr J for the 8 hours he was at school), it was a good compromise between my desire to homeschool and Mike’s comfort with traditional schooling.

In this time, we met and grew close to a family who had homeschooled throughout their children’s education, and who now had successful, kind, well-rounded adult children.   The mom wasn’t frazzled and depleted (I think that was Mike’s biggest fear for me), but was happy and joy-filled.   The children were polite, socially “appropriate”, and just all-around solidly “stand-up” human beings.

They changed Mike’s mind about homeschooling.   For the first time, I think he was able to see that home education was a valid, positive option, and it could be done well.    It wasn’t only a means to shelter children from the world (another one of his fears), and always a sub-par education (as a high achiever himself, he worried about providing quality academics at home).

I only pretend to be organized

In 2011, Mike accepted a job completely across the country, in the desert of Arizona (we’d been in Maine).  When we flew out to go house-hunting, we took the time to visit and research schooling options in the area.   While there were schools that came highly recommended, and were well-rated, they just didn’t feel like a good fit for our boys.   The class sizes were huge (25 kids was the norm at the schools we went to), and when talking to administrators, there was a significant lack of active time and emphasis on screen time, both of which didn’t feel like a good fit for the two kiddos we’d be enrolling.    In the process, we discovered a huge homeschooling network and co-operative group that afforded us tons of options that we otherwise wouldn’t have access to (PE classes!  Book clubs!  Science classes!).   

We talked it over, and decided to take the jump:  When we moved, we would bring the boys home for education.   I’d school them, using a store-bought curriculum, and we’d join the co-op for support, help, and activities.

And that’s exactly what we did.

It worked well for the year and a half we lived in Arizona.   We made friends, we participated in activities and clubs, and we basically practiced “school at home”, complete with desks in rows, facing the front of a spare bedroom, which was lined with bookcases full of books.   The two oldest boys were completing kindergarten and second grade work by lunch time, and we filled our afternoons with field trips and library trips and co-op activities.

When we moved back to Maine in 2012, I brought that model of school with us, even though deep down, I’d felt like it wasn’t quite right.   No one *liked* the workbooks that we were working through - getting Mr J to complete his math assignments was torturous for both of us - and we no longer had a dedicated school room in our house in Maine.    We had bookcases and a kitchen table, which meant all school “stuff” had to be cleaned up and hidden before we could eat any meal.  Not so bad at 6 pm for dinner, since we were usually finished with the day’s work by then, but definitely not ideal at noontime, when the 3rd grader usually had papers strewn everywhere, and the preschooler had play dough and other goodies we were using to keep him entertained spread all over the table.

“School at home out of a box” was no longer a good fit for us, so I started reading and researching and watching youtube videos and playing around with the definition of “school” for the Circus.

It’s taken a few years - we’re now going into our eighth year of homeschooling for Mr J and I’m now schooling 5 out of 6 kiddos during the day - but we’ve blended our educational styles and goals in to one that works really well for us, as a family.   The kiddos are meeting their milestones mostly on time (one kiddo took a long time to really get comfortable with reading, but he’s now fluent and knocking back age appropriate books, and I’m really grateful that we were able to work through it on *his* time and not a strict, school district time schedule).   They’re happy, and when given the choice, they have chosen to remain schooling at home, even when the option to attend a hybrid or full-time traditional school is placed in front of them.   Is homeschooling for everyone?  No.  But it’s the right fit for the Circus.

Over the years, we’ve determined that we don’t feel that a traditional, “boxed curriculum” plan is necessary for the younger elementary levels.  In fact, we don’t believe that any formal education is necessary for the younger levels.  Until about second grade, we don’t do any formal schooling.   We read together.   We play games together.   We practice math concepts together when shopping or cooking.   We research and learn about topics of the child’s choosing.   We go on field trips.   But honestly?  That’s it, and none of it follows a lesson plan.   We learn together, using life as a guide.  

This year will be a bit different, because I intend to work with Mr T in a more intentional manner, and I’m guessing Miss R will be right at his side (because she always is).  This is led more by his own special needs than anything else, another perk of schooling at home:  I can truly tailor each chid's plan to his or her needs.   While more formal, it will still be relaxed, and it will still be guided by his desires.

Mr N will be working his way through his third year using the Mother of Divine Grace curriculum, with a few substitutions (Story of Civilization for history, basically).   It’s a classical curriculum, and very gentle.   We spend the bulk of his day reading together and he still has most of the day to play and work on his own interests (logic games, mostly).

Mr G and Mr J will be doing all of their coursework through a virtual classical academy, and we’ve splurged for their online instructors to do all of the grading for me, opening up quite a bit of time for me to work with Mr T.   This is our third year using this virtual academy, and I’ve been very happy with their progress and learning.   They’ll spend closer to a “full” day of classroom work - about 4-5 hours each day - but still have a good amount of time to focus on their own interests (like Mr J’s artwork) and spend being active, before heading out to sports practices or music lessons.

Each of the kiddos has different goals in mind for their education, and it’s a fun experience to sit down every year and talk about those goals and dreams with them.  We work together on planning out their education for the coming year.   The amount of excitement and initiative they put into their own educational plan is a huge part of what keeps us moving along this home education path.   It’s not something being handed to them by a guidance counselor - they are active drivers in their academic experience, and Mike and I are the facilitators (obviously, we make sure that their plans meet requirements for their goals - like entrance requirements for various college programs, if that’s their dream, but truly, they are the primary actors in their education).  

Homeschooling is not a good fit for everyone, but here at the Circus?  It’s perfect.   

One of our big determining questions for any choice that we have to make, including schooling, is this:

Does this choice serve our family, or does it mean that the family is serving the choice?

Right now, homeschooling serves our family.   I don't know if it always will, and I don't know if the rhythm and system that we've adopted currently will always be what education looks like in our household.   We can't know what will serve our family best in years to come, but as we head into the 2018-2019 school year, I'm excited for The Circus Academy and the possibilities in front of us.