Flexible Dieting on Vacation/ 10 Tips on Staying Sane While on the Road

As you guys know, we recently spent A LOT of time on the road.  Between gymnastics competitions, work trips, and vacations, we basically spent all of April and all of May traveling.  It was an amazing two months.  It wasn’t perfect - there were definitely some stresses and down moments, but it was amazing all of the same.

I was really worried, going into this season of traveling, about somehow undoing all of the hard work I’d done with losing weight over the last 7 months.  I mean, that’s typically been my MO.  Work hard, diet and focus on losing weight for some event or goal, and then once we get to that event or goal?  I totally stop caring and just let myself go wild.   I’d worked so hard since last October, though, and I wasn’t at my weight loss goal yet, and I really didn’t want to have a huge setback and have to lose that same weight for a second time.   Been there, done that.

And guess what?

I didn’t do it.  I ended up maintaining - even losing 1/2 a pound, overall! - during the whole time we were on the road and traveling.   I mean, sure, while I was actually sitting in a Florida condo, drinking bushwhackers and hurricanes, I did go up a little bit.   But by the time I’d gotten back home, those extra couple of pounds were gone again, and I hadn’t gained back any of those pesky pounds that I’d worked so hard to lose before the months o’travel.

Because I kept notes on the regular (what can I say, I’m a bit obsessive about some things), I was able to sit down and punch out this recap for you guys.  I definitely learned a lot about trying to maintain healthy habits while so many things are out of your control, and the pressure to do otherwise is at an all-time high.  

The first thing I learned and the most important?   

This is a marathon, not a sprint.   

The goal is to develop - and maintain - healthy HABITS.  Not healthy excursions.  Not healthy instances.  Healthy HABITS.   We are looking at this with the long-term picture in mind, right, friends?   Each trip or vacation or cookout or party or event that you participate in this summer is a learning tool:  a chance to move closer to the finish line of living a life full of healthy habits.   With each trip or vacation, I got a little bit wiser about taking care of myself.  I learned just a little bit more about what was in the food I was eating, and how to better control it, instead of it controlling me, with every mile that we traveled over the last two months.   So, important tip number one?   Well, really, the take home message.   I’m not numbering this one - it’s that important.   If you get only one thing from this blog post, I want it to be this:  We are running a marathon toward a life of healthy habits, not a 100m dash.

But from a practical point of view?  How can you better set yourself up for success along the way, when life isn’t following your “normal routine?”

Here’s what I learned:

1).  Pack your own snacks.   Even if you’re flying, pack your own snacks.   Most things you can put in your carryon luggage, and then pull out once you’re on the plane.  Just make sure to look at your airline’s website first and see if there are any restrictions as to what can be brought onto the plane.  Friends of mine often bring protein bars, or travel-friendly fresh fruit (think apples, not bananas!), or shelf-stable protein shakes, and they drink them over cups of ice in the terminal.    We drove for all of our traveling this past bit, so it was definitely easier to bring our own snacks.   Now, everyone’s goals for building healthy habits with food are different, but for us, those snacks relied heavily on fresh fruit and veggies, hummus, hardboiled eggs, cheese sticks, and nuts.

A freezer meal:  frozen, pre-made burritos that
could be microwaved, and bagged salad

2).  When traveling on the road, consider paying a little extra for a hotel room with its own kitchen.  For us, we don’t have many options because there are so many of us, so its either pay for two regular hotel rooms and hope we can get adjoining ones, or stay at a place with one or two room suites (and kitchens).   We stick with the same brand of hotels at all times - throughout the whole year - and it usually means that when it does come time for vacation, we can cash in on the loyalty points.   So, for example, on our trip two and from Florida, we stayed at 4 hotel rooms, with full kitchens, for around $50, total.   The rest of the nightly charges were paid with loyalty points.   The money that you’d save on going out to eat, and the loyalty programs, might end up recouping the cost of staying in a room with a kitchen….before you even realize it!    Not having to go out to eat, will help you stick closer to your eating goals, and for us?  It was worth every penny to not feel bloated and defeated by our choices for eating while on the road.

3).  If you have a room with a kitchen, or at least a full fridge/freezer and a microwave (there are some economical suites brands that don’t give you a full kitchen, but they do give you more room and a full fridge/freezer combo, and a microwave.  We’ve done those before, too), you can prepare for eating in the hotel by making freezer meals before you leave home.   I do this with every long trip that we’re on - mostly to control costs, but it also helped me feel in control of my diet while we were on the road.   Simple freezer meals, like chili, veggie burgers, individual quiche, bbq chicken or pork, lentil curries and rice, and individual burritos make great on-the-road options.   They’re all completely pre-cooked when you make and freeze them, and require nothing more than a microwave to reheat and enjoy in a hotel room.   I freeze everything as solidly as possible before we leave home, and then use these things to keep items cool in a cooler while we’re driving.   Usually, by the time we get to the hotel, only the one on top has thawed at all, and everything else is still frozen solid.  I move the frozen things to the hotel freezer to keep overnight, and use the thawed (or partially thawed) item as our dinner that night.   Bring a stash of paper plates, napkins, and utensils, and you won’t even have to rely on the hotel housekeeping service to start making your food.

Don't forget your water!

4).  Pack picnic lunches!   Even if it’s winter, we will do this and stop at roadside service centers and welcome centers to actually eat.  It’s obviously easier in the summer to have a roadside picnic, but it’s not impossible in the winter.    We pack sandwich fixings, fresh fruit (usually clementines and apples, because those are crowd favorites), nuts and cheese, yogurt (gogurt tubes freeze wonderfully and also help keep the cooler nice and cold!).   We use either tortillas or pita bread for making the sandwiches, so that we don’t have to worry about smushed bread.   Super easy, MUCH cheaper than eating out for every meal, and once again…..you are in complete control of your food options.

5). Water, water, water.   This is so important, that I probably should have listed it as number one.    No matter how much food you are able to control while on the road or flying (especially flying!!), your body is going to need you to stay hydrated.   If you eat out at all, the salt content will be higher than your own homemade food, and you’ll likely not be moving as much.   You’ll want that water to keep you feeling less bloated, and if I may be a little indelicate for a moment, you’ll want the water to keep things moving in your body.    We each have our own little water bottle that keeps things nice and cold, and we refill it at every stop.

Panera's phone app

6).  Friends, use those phone apps!   We have become reliant on restaurants with phone apps just to keep our own sanity (I’m pretty sure standing in line at a fast food restaurant is a circle of Hell for parents).   We would order our food “to go”, and then sit right there at the restaurant (typically outside if they have outdoor seating) and eat it.   I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to walk into a restaurant with six kids, walk right to the counter, past everyone in line, pick up our to-go bag, and then go sit down and feed our hungry, cranky kids.   I’m relatively certain they’re happy we’re not waiting in line and are able to feed our kids right away, too.   What I didn’t realize until these past few months of travel was this:  a lot of those apps have the nutritional info (including macros!) loaded right into the ordering function of the app.  Some of them, (Panera, I’m looking at you) will update the nutritional information *in real time* as you customize your meal.  It’s a dream come true for someone who is trying to maintain healthy habits and has no idea what will fit those goals at restaurants!    As I ordered ahead for our meals, I was able to customize my meal to fit my macro goal for the day, and be confidant in my food choices.   With these apps and Google Maps to help me find one of the restaurants I had an app for, each meal was totally in my control, and could be made to fit *my goals*.   The apps that we used most often were:   Panera, Chipotle, Chick-fil-a, and Noodles &Company, but even places like McDonalds had customizable menu-building options (with self-adjusting nutritional information) available through either their app or their website.   

Same Panera app:  on the right, a greek salad, as it comes...on the left, after customizing it by adding chicken and using "light" dressing.  It updated the nutritional information as I made the changes

7).  Skip hotel breakfast.   I know, I know, it’s “included” in the cost of your stay.  I get it.  You’ve “already paid for it.”    I don’t care.  Step away from the hotel breakfast.   I was shocked at how horrible the common breakfast options were when I’d look them up on My Fitness Pal…usually after eating them, and then I’d be trying to make up for it all day long.   Breakfast is EASY to make in a hotel, especially if you’re in a hotel room with a full, or even a partial, kitchen.   We prepped and packed a few things for breakfast, following the same philosophy as the freezer meals before.  Our favorites were individual quiche, smoothie kits (take 1/2 cup of greek yogurt and freeze it in a cupcake liner.   Once frozen, peal the liner off and throw it into a ziplock bag with frozen fruit.  Throw the kits into a large gallon bag, and keep it in your cooler.   Bring your smoothie maker or blender with you, and all you’ll need to add is some water (or milk/nut milk), and you’ll have an easy breakfast that you can control and customize), instant oatmeal, and high-protein bagels and breads with nut butters.  We usually just ran down to the breakfast nook for nut butters and honey to eat with the bagels/breads.  Not only were we able to start the day on track to hit our macro goals, but we felt better (does anyone else feel “greasy” and bloated after a hotel breakfast, or is that just me?).   As a huge plus….our kids were happier and it was MUCH easier to feed them all when we were not trying to corral them into a hotel breakfast nook with too-small tables, high chairs with broken buckles, and hotel guests that stared at us like we were a circus side show.

8). Keep active.  Even if you’re flying, you can keep moving when not actually in transit.   Walk laps at the airport.  I know all that you want to do after sitting all day is sit some more, but just do it.  You’ll feel better physically, be more energized, and mentally refreshed.  If driving (like us), use those frequent stops (we stop a lot - every couple of hours to make kids pee, refresh snacks and waters, and let the kids run around) to get some movement in yourself.   I’ll run around with the little ones, playing tag, but also bring things like balls, jump ropes, and frisbees.   Walk laps around rest stops, play a game of catch, jump some rope, or even engage the kids (if you have them with you) in a quick obstacle course of walking on sidewalk cracks, doing squats, or jumping jacks.   The kids will love it, and you'll all feel so much better!   Just keep the blood pumping any time that you can.

9). Remember to factor in a little wiggle room, in case things don’t go as planned.   On our last trip, we had a couple of instances where traffic jams caused us to be arriving to our hotel too late to make one of our freezer meals, and ended up having to eat on the road.   With the help of online nutritional info, and the buffer that I’d built into my day, I was able to still eat within my goals.   Personally, I always leave enough room in my macros to have a good snack and/or a drink at the end of the day in the hotel.   Then, if I have to change my plans for eating for the day, I’ve got a lot of room left just by skipping that bedtime snack and drink.  If things go as planned?  I get a tasty little snack after a long day on the road.  It’s a win-win.  Plan your day as best you can, but leave a little bit of wiggle room for changes.   Keeping snacks on hand will help you fill in any gaps that you end up with if your plans DON’T change as you travel.

One spectacularly "off" day along our drive through Canada

10).   Last but not least, give yourself grace.    Do not obsess so much over traveling that you lose the fun and the enjoyment of the journey.   Remember, this is a marathon, NOT a sprint.   If things don’t go as planned (because they often won’t), shake it off, and learn from it.  On one of our trips, I was driving back from Maine on my own with the 6 kids.   I decided to drive through Canada, because it was much quicker, and didn’t go refill my snack stash before leaving Maine.  I’d driven through Canada countless times before (I have family there, so going to Canada is a regular occurance) and thought that I’d be fine with food options as we drove along the way.   I was very wrong - I was fine until the last leg of the trip.   There were NO food options.  Not even a Tim Horton’s!  (gasp!).   Nothing at all, so we ended up eating gas station gourmet for a huge part of that trip.   I was way off on my macros, and ended up bloated and up on the scale by the time I got home.   I was disappointed, yes.   But I wouldn’t let myself look at that last trip as a failure, even though I was up NINE (yes NINE) pounds by the time I got home.   Why?  Because I learned from it. On the next road trip, I made sure to have fully stocked snack bags and a fully stocked cooler, so that I didn’t have to rely on what I could find along the road.   I learned about the importance of drinking water, not coffee, if I was unable to eat anything other than options on the road, for whatever reason.   That “mistake” was something that helped me build a more successful trip, a few weeks later, when we went to Florida.   Give yourself the grace that you deserve:   you’re working on changing your LIFE, and there will be ups and downs along the way.   Focus on not getting so stuck in the downs that you can’t make it to the next up.

*****

So there you have it, friends.  

Flexible dieting while on the road, or, maybe more appropriately:  

"What I learned on my spring vacations"   

Remember your goals, remember your water, and remember that it's all about consistency.   Use each choice as a learning opportunity, so you can build the habits that will lead to a healthy future!

*****

What tips would you add to my list?

The "Diet Culture": Do We Need to Leave It Behind?

It's funny - once you start working on your health and being public about it, it seems that everyone has an opinion or interest in it.   I've seen it happen to other friends, and it's happening to me now.   For the most part, I don't mind.   I'm confidant in the choices/process that we're undertaking right now, and I'm very willing to share.   I think I've gotten past the fear of other people seeing how far I'd "failed" in caring for myself, and I'm really bothered by how many of my friends and family are taking this opportunity to admit to me just how much they feel like a failure in the self-care department, too.

Maybe it comes with getting older.   Our kids are slowly, but surely, growing up and needing us less and less (or are able to help us with the ones who still need us more and more).  Having a child who can help play with little ones opens up a whole new world of being able to put ourselves first for just 20 minutes here and there, and I think we're all hitting that same "look at yourself in the mirror and don't recognize who is looking back at you" moment at the same time.   We all bought into the lie that we have to sacrifice our own health to be the "perfect" mom/family.   Now, we're all starting to find out that it's coming back to bite us in the rear.....and there's typically a lot to chew there.    

So, what am I seeing?   Over and over again, someone sees something that I've posted on Instagram or Facebook, and it strikes a chord (I suppose).   Then, they sent me an email or FB message, detailing their struggles and feelings, and asking if I can help point them in the direction of my coach, or give them ideas that have worked for me.   

Friends, I've spent so many hours crying while writing a response to these beautiful friends.   It has really, truly shaken me to the core to see women and men who I thought were so happy and emotionally healthy become so vulnerable and embarrassed.   

It's taught me one thing:  we are crappy at taking care of ourselves.

This is on all fronts:  physical, spiritual, emotional.   Health comes in so many different forms, and they're *all* important.

Our relationships aren't strengthening.   Our families are still falling apart.   All of the physical and emotional sacrificing isn't leaving us with the picture-perfect, magazine-worthy families and lives.    We're slowly killing ourselves and our families.

I don't have the answer to how to fix all of this destruction.  I really don't.  I think the Church does, but that's a topic for another blog, another day.  

I do want to take a minute and muse on another phenomenon that I've noticed in recent months, as I share my weight loss journey, because I think it's related:   The "Diet Culture", but more specifically, the push back on the diet culture.

What is the diet culture, you might be wondering?  Well, according to Kate Browne (I chose this link because I feel like it's the most clear, most succinct definition of diet culture), the diet culture  "is a system of knowledge, values, and meanings that supports interpretations of personal health choices as moral character."   I find this to be a very good definition, because it focuses on the things that really define the culture, without getting into pontification:  that one's worth can be determined by their personal health (or lack thereof), and that it relies on a system that assigns moral values to morally neutral items (like food products:  think "Doritos are bad/apples are good").   This is a very dangerous place to find yourself, especially if you've had an eating disorder in the past or are susceptible to developing one.

I fully agree with this definition and turn away from the "diet culture," in these two ways:  A person's worth and value cannot be determined by their health status.   A person is inherently worthy and valuable.   Their health successes or struggles are not an indicator of that.  Instead, it is an unchangeable fact.

Secondly, I do not believe that there are "bad foods" and "good foods".....with one caveat:  moderation is key.  We do not eliminate ANY foods from our diet, but we do focus on some more than others.  Some of it is personal preference (we like beans and lentils, mainly because we love Indian food), and some of it is based on the mounds of research out there (like trying to include more veggies) that says that habits matter.  The habit of choosing an apple over a candy bar matters - it's not that the apple is good and the candy bar is "bad."

So, "Diet Culture" at the Circus is not allowed.   We make sure that the kids know that we can eat anything, we just need to be thoughtful about it.  The focus is instead on developing these healthy habits (more veggies, more water, more movement), and enjoying our food.

But, I'm noticing two things in recent months.   While we all seem to agree that the diet culture - and the products/shakes/supplements/programs that really seem to keep it alive - is not a healthy place to be, emotionally (and most likely, physically, too).....we aren't really looking at the whole picture.

I'm noticing that we're celebrating the commercials and ads that use "real" models.   This is a good thing!  It is important to start changing the conversation from "thin is good, fat is bad" to "healthy looks different for different people."   Again, it's the habits that matter, not the number on the scale necessarily.   This is a freeing place for a lot of people:  it can lead to a recognition that their weight doesn't set their worth or value.   They have an inherent dignity that's not reliant on what they look like.

But there's a hidden, dark side to focusing on this "all bodies are beautiful" that we seem to be ignoring, and I'm seeing it in these messages and emails.    The problem is that we seem to have this inherent flaw in the human brain that wants to make everything an either/or mindset, and not both/and.  We see it everywhere - it's the main problem with the diet culture, in my opinion.   

...and it's there in the backlash against the diet culture.   We're trying to avoid noticing it, but we're still focused on an "either/or."  It's just framed as "diet culture is bad/not trying to lose weight is good."  We are so focused on accepting all bodies as beautiful, and our worth not being found in being THIN, that we're leaving behind those of us who probably should change our habits - and yes, lose weight - for health reasons.   

Friends, those people know that they're being left behind, too.   They're so worried about seeming focused on vanity (and being accused of being a part of the diet culture) and assigning a false worth to their scale and weight that they are struggling.   They're not happy with their lives, but they don't know where to start, because we're constantly condemning weight loss as a goal.   We're so focused on being anti-counting calories/macros/etc as a philosophical argument against the diet culture, that we're forgetting to support those for whom losing weight is working, and who are doing it mindfully and without anxiety.

How do I know this?  

Because I've been told it time and time again - these friends (mostly women) reach out to someone about wanting to lose weight, for whatever reason they may have, and instead of being given support, they're told "But you're beautiful just how you are!"  or "You don't need to lose weight!  You don't have to buy into the cultural standard!"   And they don't do anything, because they don't know 1) where to start, or 2) they feel guilty that they've somehow walked into a cultural taboo, without realizing it.    Those who do start, go to the only place that is actively talking about weight loss:  right into the diet culture, with the unhealthy mindsets and the profitable weight loss programs.  

There's no both/and in the popular culture that these women find themselves in.  No "weight loss can be a good goal, and it can be done in a healthy manner."   Just a "you're beautiful as you are, weight loss is an unhealthy goal" or "foods are bad and thinness is what we must attain, at all costs".  Either/or, all the way.

This bothers me, big time, as I share my successes and failures, as I allow myself to become vulnerable and talk about our journey publicly.    If I've gotten dozens of messages from people wanting to know more about how they can start the same journey, I've gotten at least twice the number of messages in the form of "you were beautiful before, you didn't need to lose weight" category.

And while I appreciate the sentiment (I really do!), it's a lie.

I *did* need to lose the weight.

My heart condition needs to have the least amount of stress on it as possible.   While some may argue that the research isn't "sound enough" to be held up as the gold standard, the trend does seem to show that obesity and being overweight (and I was solidly in the morbidly obese category) puts me at a higher risk for a dissection.   Even a risk based on maybe-not-perfect scientific literature is too big of a risk for me.

But more than anything else, friends, I needed to lose the weight for my emotional well being.   I was depressed.   I was unable to physically do the things that I wanted to do in life:  I couldn't hike with my kids.  I couldn't snow shoe because I didn't have a winter coat that fit, and I couldn't bring myself to spend the bajillion dollars on a new winter coat in such a high size, because of the cost.   I couldn't chase the kids around the yard without being in pain or out of breath.  I could barely make it up a flight of stairs without having to pause - and our house required a flight of stairs just to get inside!   I felt miserable and had allowed it to start seeping into my spiritual life and my relationships - I just didn't care anymore.   

Those well-meaning commenters didn't see it in the still pictures of Heidi with a smile on her face at gymnastics meets or concerts, but it was there, inside.   I was emotionally crumbling because I could no longer do the stuff I loved to do, physically.   I grew up in a place that got 300+ days of sunshine a year, and we were always outside, soaking it up.   Now, I was hiding in the house because I couldn't do any of those things anymore, and it was tearing me up inside.

I'm finding now that I was not a minority.  It seems there are more of us out there than I realized:  Those of us who did need to change our habits, and change our mindset, and yes, change our weight, and we felt lost and left behind.   Our choices were to enter into the diet culture and hope we came out alive and with better habits, or to walk away from that, smile, and tell everyone that we were happy and didn't care about our weight "as long as we were healthy."  And, usually, try to build new habits in secret and without support.

We were forgetting that health is multi-faceted.   Health is not about the scale, but the scale can be a part of health.

For some of us, that will mean that we need to start counting something:  calories, macros, number of veggie servings per day, glasses of water a day, workouts a week.   We need to start recognizing and acknowledging our habits if we want to change them.   We need to stop putting blinders on and actually take an honest, reality-based look at our lives if we want to change.

And that's okay.

You see, what I've noticed in the past few months is that the backlash against diet culture (which, in principle, I agree with) has been warped.   We should fight back against a moral value being assigned to food, or our worth being determined by our health status.  I do not disagree with this.   But what we need to realize is that we can't toss out tried-and-true methods for developing healthy habits in the process of fighting the diet culture.  We need to take them back, and use them for good.

Logging your food choices might be the only way to see that you're not eating as many fruits and vegetables as you thought you were (we're really good at telling ourselves what we want to hear, and sometimes, putting it on paper/on an app is the only way we really see what the truth is).

Sticking to a strict workout schedule might be the only way to make sure that you get it done - the only way that it doesn't get eaten up by busy lives and family demands.

Removing triggers from your life - yes, including food triggers - might be the best way for you to practice being in control of food.   An elimination diet works to identify allergies...why can't it work to identify emotional triggers and allow you to develop strategies for fighting those?

Sharing your successes and struggles isn't always "feeding the diet culture."  We share successes and awards at work or school, right?  We share our struggles with projects.    Why?  Because we're looking for support and encouragement, or trying to problem solve our way through them by "polling the audience."   Why should weight loss be different?

The key to all of this is relationship.   We need to talk to each other.   We can fight the diet culture and reclaim it for good, but we can't do it without forging a relationship.   How does someone know that I'm doing this for my emotional and physical health?   Because we talk about it.   How can they keep me in check and make sure I'm not falling into the diet culture traps?  Because we talk about it.   How can I encourage another mom who's feeling lost and left behind and depressed?  Because I talk to her about it.

So yes, let's leave the diet culture behind, but let's do it together.  

Log your food intake if you need to.   Count your glasses of water.   Cross off that workout check list.

But let me be a part of it with you.

Meal Planning Monday: Want the tools that I use?

Here it is!

I've been using the same basic forms for ten plus years - ever since getting a similar master grocery list from a friend in the very first playgroup I joined when Mr J was a baby.  Back then, meal planning was something I did mostly so that dinner got on the table.  Both Mike and I were working, and I'd put a meal plan up on the fridge with page numbers out of cookbooks, so that whichever one of us got home first could start making dinner.   The grocery list was hung on our fridge door, and we'd use tally marks to notate when something was needed, and how many of that something we needed.

I've come a little bit into the technological age with these, but not too far.  ;) I'm old-school, I guess.  I still prefer to meal plan and record things on paper, but most of my recipes are online.   I use the CopyMeThat app for collecting recipes, and usually meal plan from those.   We have tried moving the grocery list into a list-making app that Mike and I can both use on our phones and update so that the other person can see when we've stopped at the grocery store, but it was just one more thing that fell by the wayside eventually.   Pen and paper just seems to work for us.

I know that not everyone does that, though, so I've spent the last couple of weeks converting each of these into a file on Google drive.   This way, those of you who prefer pen and paper can put together something like what we actually use here at the Circus, and those of you who like to do it digitally can just download the Google drive app and use it on your phone.  That's actually what I use to record gymnastics scores at meets - it's super easy to see and manipulate files on your phone.

In order to get these files, I'm asking for a donation of any size to be sent to Reece's Rainbow.  You can donate to RR here - either to the organization direction for their Voice of Hope fund, or to waiting children or adopting families.   This organization was HUGE in our adoption of Mr T, from helping us raise 9K in funds, and providing an amazing support group to help us through the process, and after, once coming home.  Some of our best friends were found through the RR family.

Want to see what's in it?

That's what I thought!  

I've included everything that I use in my "external brain" folder, that sits on our kitchen counter for most of the day, but fits nicely on the shelf where I keep my cookbooks.  And it's cute and fun looking, which makes me happy whenever I see it.  It's just a simple binder from the dollar section at Target - I won't spend very much on things like this.  haha.  (Click on each image to see them bigger)

Here's what you'll get:

Morning Moment:   I thought I wanted to try bullet journaling, but honestly?  The thought of it overwhelmed me.  I thought I might have to take a whole class in journaling to actually understand how it was supposed to look and work.  SO.....I took what I liked from the concept, and made it into something that works for me.    I start the day with it - well, kind of.  I usually do it while I'm eating breakfast, which is an hour or so after I wake up with the kiddos, but it's my "mom" time, and the big kids know that they're on little kid duty while I'm getting organized, if they want to have a good day with schooling and home life.  Even though I've been awake with the littles for a couple of hours by the time I sit down to do this, I consider this the beginning of my day.    I sit down and mark down 3-5 things that I need to accomplish that day, and 3-5 prayer intentions to keep on my mind throughout the day.   I'll read through the daily readings as I'm eating breakfast and whatever pops out to me as important for that day, I'll jot down on the side.  Some days, I only have time to fill in the blanks.  On good mornings, I'll have time to make it pretty with some coloring.    Because of that, I leave the bulk of the page blank, leaving me lots of room to doodle and jot down what comes to mind while going through the daily readings.  It doesn't have to be Scripture for you, though - it could be anything that you want start your day with and what jumps out to you then.   

Menu Planning Worksheet:  This is the biggest help for me.   I take meal planning a week at a time, mainly because we like to try new things so often, and I use so much fresh produce that it's easier for me to have flexibility in my planning (that way I can use up anything that's left from the week before, really easily).   On my meal planning worksheet, the very first blank on each day is for our schedule.   Life is crazy at the Circus, and some days our schedule dictates what we eat (is it a crockpot day?  A day that I can spend a little more time in the kitchen? etc).   This is where I put down everything important going on that day - sports practices, meetings, appointments, birthdays, etc.   Anything that might need to be taken into consideration while planning.   There's a blank for each meal (sometimes I only plan dinner, and breakfast/lunch are more of an "on the fly" meal), and then a spot to write down who the cook is (our kids start helping in the kitchen pretty much as soon as they hit preschool, and all of the big kids can independently make meals, although I tend to stay in the kitchen with them because I like that time together).  At the very bottom is a huge section to jot down special ingredients that each meal needs - this is big for me.   That way, I only have to get out each recipe once, and can jot down things that we need to complete each day's meals.

Pantry Inventory:  Just like what it says.  A simple chart that you can either keep up to date online, or print out and keep in the kitchen somewhere.   I tend to not always mark down the expiration dates, because I try to clean out our pantry regularly and also try not to keep things on hand that we don't actually use.  It's mostly condiments and/or canned goods that I have to worry about expiration dates. I mark down how much is left, and update it as I use things up.   When meal planning, I take a glance at the pantry items I have left and decide whether I need/want to use anything up, and/or if I need to add anything to the master grocery list to replace.

Freezer Inventory: same thing as the pantry inventory, with one addition.  I add a spot for "special instructions" - basically anything that I need to remember when using up a freezer meal (things like:  "make sure to buy buns" next to the veggie burgers).  I use it in the same way as the pantry inventory, but also in advance of things like road trips or Mike's call weeks.   That way, I can know if I need to get anything else put together before those events occur, and plan out my shopping/meal plan accordingly.

Time for the big one:   The master grocery list.  Like I said before, I used to keep this printed out an stuck to the fridge.  Well, little hands and curious children made that not a good place to hang things up anymore, so it got moved to the binder, too.  I just keep it inside the subject dividers.   This list was created based on our own grocery store layout - feel free to move things around to fit your store better!   Along those lines, these items are the ones that we use the most, but there's plenty of room to add or change the items to better fit your family's food preferences.  We print it out and keep a running grocery list going in the binder, just using tally marks or "x's" to mark how many of each thing that we need.   Once I finish my meal plan, I simply update the master grocery list with what I've jotted down at the bottom of the menu plan.    Ideally, I'd love to find a way to connect this to the online grocery ordering functions at various stores, but for right now, it's super easy to just have it next to me while filling out those online forms.    It's also easy to use on the Google drive app (that both Mike and I can access), and then whenever one of us stops at the store, we can look to see what we need, pick it up, and then update the form while standing in line at the grocery store.

The rest of my binder has a section for a print out of our google calendar (both Mike and I update that regularly, so I can see his call/meeting schedule, and he can see appointments and schooling plans that I've made).   This helps me stay organized and plan our meals around our crazy schedule.   The final section is for "important info."  We only have an old school house phone here at the house, so it's not the easiest to do things like program numbers into it.  The section is mostly for the kids, if they're looking for info, or for babysitters:  it includes important phone numbers (our cells, friends, family, local organizations that we are a part of), our doctor/dentist/vet information (for easy access for me, when trying to mark things off of my to-do list), our address and home phone number, and everyone's birthday (laugh all you want, but the one of the hardest things to do as a mom to lots of littles is remember someone's birthday when I'm calling the doctor or dentist!).   

That's it.  My "external brain" that keeps the Circus running.  Nothing fancy, no fills, just good old organization.  Simple, easy to maintain, and easy to modify.   

When you get the file, you'll see that the files themselves are color coded and prettier than my printouts in my binder, but we don't have a color printer, so it's pretty plain on my printed version.  Colored pens and a cute binder is enough for me to feel like it's an accomplishment, but feel free to play with the colors and borders on your end!

Want it?   

Here's how to get it:

1). Go to Reece's Rainbow and make a donation via PayPal.  If you feel so moved, consider supporting one of the accounts for a couple of kiddos who have stolen my heart:  Cyril and Ariana.   I don't care what size of donation...just whatever you feel is appropriate for you.   You'll get an email receipt.

2). Shoot me a forward of that emailed receipt at this email address.  

3).  I'll send a link to the folder on Google drive to the email you used to send me the receipt.   You'll be able to follow this link to a viewable - only version of these files.  To be able to modify them yourself, you'll have to go into each file, and under the "file" tab, select "make a copy".  That will move a copy of the file onto your own Google drive, and you'll be able to modify that copy.

4) That's it!  Thank you for supporting an organization that means so much to us, and I hope that these make your meal planning easier to manage!  

The Monster Who Stole My Joy: My Experience with Postpartum Anxiety

Cute, yes?

It's still one of my favorite family photos of the Circus:  she managed to capture everyone's personalities in this moment where they first met Miss E.

It was only a few day later when I started feeling "off".

I've never been one to really suffer with anxiety. Depression, yes.  Anxiety, no.  The baby blues was what I was expecting, if I was going to struggle with any postpartum anything.

The baby blues was not what I got.

What I got was a crippling fear.

What I got was endless sleepless nights, even though the baby was a good sleeper.

What I got was my own private viewing of disaster films, running through my mind sporadically throughout the day.

What I got was a racing heart rate.

What I got was a feeling of suffocating.

What I got was postpartum anxiety.

***a disclaimer:  I never sought help "officially" from a doctor.  I'm married to an OB/GYN, and that means my world is pretty populated with people who could recognize this for what it is...and who could help me through it.   I highly, highly, highly recommend seeking help if you find yourself with some of these same symptoms.  Not everyone has the safety net in place that I do, postpartum.***

At first, I thought my fear and anxiety was normal.   I mean, come on, I went from 3 kids to 6 kids in just under a 2 year period, with the way that Miss R and Miss E's pregnancies and Mr T's adoption ended up.   It would be pretty darn normal to have a bumpy adjustment to that kind of thing, I thought.   So, yeah, some sleepless nights because I'm worrying about the kids or about life in general....I could totally expect that, I told myself.   There was a lot on my plate, and a lot I had to think about.   Nothing abnormal here, at all.

But then it became abnormal.

It was crippling - I couldn't figure out how to get from point A to point B on a "normal" day at the Circus, because along that path between points....all I could picture was disaster and kids getting hurt or something really bad happening.   I'd be trying to drive Mr T to school, and instead of seeing the road in front of me, I'd see our car, twisted and totaled on the side of the roadway.   I'd feel my heart start to race, and be unable to breathe.   I'd start to sweat and feel sick to my stomach.  My vision would narrow until all I could see was the image from my "mental disaster film" that kept playing over, and over in my mind's eye.  This happened dozens of times a day.  On a good day.

I couldn't even consider leaving the kids with anyone.   Not even my trusted babysitter or family.   They'd been with us for years - a good 8 for our sitter! - and knew the kids incredibly well.   

But yet I still couldn't do it.   Miss E, especially.   She went *everywhere* with me - the very thought of leaving her with anyone, sometimes even with Mike, left me panicked.

I was overwhelmed.   I was gaining weight.   I was getting pretty much no sleep at night.   I was losing hair by the handfuls (some of that is normal after having a baby, but this was excessive).

I found myself unable to enjoy life because I was constantly afraid or imagining the worst.   I spent more time feeling panicked than feeling happy.   I didn't go to community gatherings or to special events.  If I tried, I ended up having to leave, because I couldn't breathe.

I couldn't live life normally.

I was too anxious.

I started mentioning it to friends, just a little bit at a time, and only to those closest to me.  Those who I thought might have had the same experience.   Some had no idea what to do with what I was saying, but a few seemed to understand.   I talked to Mike about it - I was just so exhausted and I wasn't the mom I wanted to be.  It wouldn't let me be the mom I wanted to be.

We made a plan.  I memorized the 5-4-3-2-1 plan (Stop.   What are 5 things that I see?   What are 4 thing that I feel?  What are 3 things that I hear?   What are 2 things that I smell?   What one thing do I taste?).   I started trying to do that every time I felt the claws of anxiety trying to get a grip on me, every time I started feeling like I couldn't breathe, or my vision started to focus in on the horrible visions.  As a family, we focused on sleeping routines, and getting Mommy in bed on time.   I talked and talked and talked my way through every attack, every fear, every symptom.  (Thank you to those of you out there who listened.  You know who you are).  

Shortly after my cycle returned and balanced itself out, it started to fade.    I'd go a day or two without an attack.   Then two or three.   Then a week.   My hormones evened out and slowly, slowly, the light seemed to return in my life.

I had an recurrence after getting sick about 8 months after Miss E was born, and being diagnosed with an aortic aneurysm.   The stress of that diagnosis and experience put me back a few months on recovery, but with more tests and knowledge about my condition, I was able to start getting in control of that and fighting back the fear and anxiety again.

I don't want to simplify my story.   I don't want to make it seem like it was an easy fix.

It was not easy.  It was terrifying.   It was crippling.  It took away the joy that I expected to feel after having a baby, the joy that I'd felt after every previous baby.

I still loved Miss E.   Deeply.

But my brain went on overdrive with that natural feeling of wanting to protect her, wanting to care for her.   A natural instinct was amplified.   And it deeply affected and interfered with my ability to live life.

PPA is not really talked about in the prenatal books, or the "What to Expect" kinds of books that we all read when pregnant.   We don't get little questionnaires in the doctor's office about how we're feeling that are labeled "postpartum anxiety."   We know all about postpartum depression (as we should!), but we don't talk about its sneaky little sibling.  We don't talk about its alter ego.   We should.

If you think you've been dealing with more anxiety than you should be after having a baby, call your doctor.   Don't let the monster steal your joy, too.   You don't have to let it - your doctor can help you. It doesn't have to mean medication, although that's an option sometimes.   Just let him/her know that you think something's off.    Ask your partner to watch for PPA as well as PPD, if you're waiting for your baby's arrival.   

Let's fight this monster together.