Our Words Matter

“How I wish your bearing and conversation were such that, on seeing or hearing you, people would say: 'This man reads the life of Jesus Christ.'”

—St. Josemaría Escrivá

I've been considering writing this post for months now, but have honestly just not been brave enough to put it out there.  It seems silly to admit that - that writing about a simple idea like charity in speech would be a scary one - but it is.   It seems that the idea that our words matter, and we should choose them carefully at all times, is not a popular one, in general.   It's often one that our leaders and celebrities are held to (as they should be!), but one that we often fail to hold ourselves to in our personal daily lives.

Before anyone gets the idea otherwise, I am still VERY MUCH a work in progress with this ideal.   I catch myself, on a regular basis, starting to speak unkindly about someone around me, or speaking unkindly TO another person.   I do not know if it's a nurture or a nature thing - I am not qualified enough in human behavior to know whether or not this is a temptation that we are born with, or something that we grow accustomed to accepting, through our surrounding culture.  I just know that I'm a work in progress, just like everyone reading this post.

I guess, before I get too far into my thoughts, I should back up and give you a bit of the backstory that triggered them.   I'm purposefully removing as much identifying information as possible, one to protect the identities of the people involved, and secondly because I don't think that matters.   I think we can all see ourselves in this scenario - to the point that I don't even have to admit that it was something that I witnessed.  I could easily have imagined the same example and used it here in a blog post, and you likely would have accepted it as something I witnessed, if I told you it was.   The identifying information doesn't really matter - this sort of thing is so commonplace that I'm sure we can all picture similar conversations in our own minds.

This time of year is very much a travel intensive one.   We participate in two different travel sports, and we also spend a lot of time on the road in our new home, as we travel 3+ hours to see medical specialists or therapist for Clown #5.   I'm a huge fan of road trips, so I'm not at all bothered by this traveling.  Seeing as we live in a very isolated spot with very few of our favorite restaurants and coffee stops, it's also a fun way to sneak in special stops for some of our favorite goodies.   

On one of these trips to doctor appointments, Mr T and I stopped to get a morning snack and coffee.  We were sitting in the coffee shop in a relatively small town (big enough to have a major coffee chain, but small enough to only have one grocery store along the main thoroughfare).  As we sat there, Mr T enjoying his cookie and the caffeine hitting my system, a woman about my age walked in.  

She obviously knew the women working behind the counter, whipping up the coffee goodness.   She also seemed to know at least one other woman who was there with a friend, enjoying coffee together, as she stopped and chatted at their table about her own teenaged daughter.   The women sitting at the table seemed to know the daughter, as they were asking about her experience at school so far this year, and on a sports team.  The woman at the table was referred to as a previous teacher of the incoming woman's teen daughter (I could hear all of this, as it was a very small coffee shop).

The woman went to the counter and placed an order, and as it was being made, the three women (the customer and the two behind the counter) started talking about their kids.  Friends, this is where I am hesitant to continue writing.   Up until now, it had been relatively pleasant, and easy for me to tune out.  Mr T doesn't really talk much if there's a cookie in front of him, and I try not to pull out my phone when I'm out with the kiddos, so we were being pretty quiet.  I was trying not to eavesdrop, and give them their space, but I also wasn't making any noises myself to drown them out.  Up until now, it wasn't that hard.

But, then the atmosphere in the coffee shop became very awkward.  The three women at the counter had changed their conversation from general pleasantries to something that charged the air in the coffee shop.  They'd started talking about their kids, and not in a positive manner.   Two of the women were loudly comparing the misdeeds of their teenaged children (again, I know they were teenaged, because it was impossible to NOT overhear the details in their conversation in such a small coffee shop).   Multiple times, I heard sentiments that very clearly stated that having children had ruined their lives and that they couldn't stand their kids being around.   Dreading summer vacation and having to interact with their kids was very much expressed.  At one point, a child was referred to as "the biggest mistake I ever made."

As I sat there, waiting for Mr T to finish his cookie so we could leave, and encouraging him to eat faster, I was extremely uncomfortable.    The words being said about these teenage children were harsh, and they were being said in a public atmosphere where the majority of those within earshot knew the children in question, in various capacities (parent's friends, previous teacher, etc).   They were all obviously part of the same small town community.

I left that coffee shop with Mr T shortly after, so I do not know how the conversation ended.   I do not know if it continued.  What I do know is that I left that shop feeling very sorry for the teenage children in question.   They may never know what kinds of things were being said about them in that 10 minute conversation, and I sincerely hope that they do not ever know.   To hear that the people you trust and rely on for protection and nurturing (your parents) are telling others that your existence ruins their lives, and having all of your mistakes loudly shared in a public setting, would be especially soul-crushing as a teenager trying to find your way in the world.   Maybe the teens DID make some behavior missteps.  Maybe they were emotionally difficult (teens often can be, as their hormones and bodies fluctuate).    I definitely understand frustrations associated with having to live so closely with another human being, especially one going through puberty. I get it, I really do.   But even with all that being said, those teens are worthy of so much more, especially from those closest to them.

Now listen, I know how hard it can be to not "vent" to those around you when something is difficult.  Trust me, I do know this.  It's something that I struggle with daily, to be honest. It feels good to get those feelings of anger and frustration out, and to be affirmed by those around you that you are in the right and the person you are venting about is in the wrong.   I have done it myself.  I still am tempted to do it now.

But, friends, I ask you:  how would you feel if you were the teen in this situation, and found out about the conversation after the fact?  How would you feel if you knew that one of the people you relied on most - your parent - was broadcasting your misdeeds to anyone who could hear it?  How would you feel to hear someone in your closest circle tell their friend that they wished you'd never been born?

That thought exercise stops me in my tracks.  

I'd be mortified.   I'd be deeply hurt.  I'd feel betrayed.  I'd feel unsafe.

Isn't this worth considering, before we open our mouths?   Isn't it worth considering what picture our words paint when we discuss someone in our lives?   Our words are creating an understanding of another human being - one that will not be forgotten when the recipient of our words meets that human being in the future.   Isn't it worth considering how we are presenting this person to their future employers?  Their future teachers?  Their future acquaintances?

Now extend this thought exercise to the person most close to us: Our spouse.   This person  knows us more intimately than any other person in our lives.  They know our hopes, our dreams, our fears, our desires.   They also know our deepest flaws and faults. and misdeeds.

Should we not extend this same consideration to them as we choose our words?   Think back to any Mom's Night Out that you've attended:  how many of them included a husband-bashing session?  

How would you feel if this was your husband sharing your mistakes and embarrassments to anyone who could hear?  To being made the butt of a joke?

Isn't it worth considering this, as we speak about our husbands in public?

(I feel like this goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway:  this does NOT apply to abuse. If you are being abused by a spouse, please talk to someone about it.  I am talking about everyday, run-of-the-mill family life in this blog post).

How we talk about another person - another human being - matters.   It matters to them, deeply.  It matters for their futures, as it shapes the perceptions of those around us hearing our words.   Words are not negligible.   They are impactful.  They are life-changing.   

We hold those in the spotlight to a much higher standard than we hold ourselves when it comes to word choice, I've found.   That's good!   We should be holding them to this standard when it comes to talking about other human beings:  we should be asking them to recognize and respond to the inherent dignity of every human being they speak about.

But we need to do the same.

Especially with regard to those in our most intimate circles.   They trust us.   They are vulnerable with us.  They rely on us for support and protection.

Let's have our words reflect that.

How to Host a Busy Box Exchange

Ladybug Matching Game for the Creepy Crawlies Box

If you know me at all, you know that I love using the idea of "learning stations" and unit studies with my younger kiddos.  I love any activity that will help them learn through multiple senses, often resulting in messiness (and giggles).   This isn't limited to the elementary age, either - it's my preferred method of working through preschool concepts with the younger kiddos.

Weather Report Wheels 

It's also a fantastic way to give littler ones a little bit of independence....and keep even littler ones entertained while you work with older children.

What I don't love is that often, putting together these kinds of units and activities is extremely time -consuming and expensive.  While I *love* planning out these activities and preparing them (I really do!), I don't love feeling the stress of no extra time or money, or staying up until way past my bedtime to make it happen.

Enter in probably one of my only truly "brilliant" ideas (At least for our little homeschool):

A Busy Box Exchange

I'm guessing that most of you are familiar with the idea of a cookie exchange around the holidays.  I've even seen soup exchanges, where people make and trade freezer-ready soups to pull out and feed their families with at a later date.   I realized, as I was stressing about putting together lots of various activities, that the same concept could be applied to preschool activities/supplies.

Here's how it works:

1) Pick a date and time, and make sure everyone who is planning on coming RSVPs.

2) Each person then picks their "busy box" theme.  It's best if everyone shares, so that you don't have repeats brought, but it's not necessary.  I've done it both ways - where people sign up for what they want to create, and where it's a free-for-all, and it's worked out great each time.

3) Each person then creates one box per attendee.  I usually recommend putting everything together in a plastic shoe box (you can buy sets of 5 for cheap at the Dollar Store).   Assigning a size and type of container just makes storage easier on everyone else when they take their boxes home.  I often set a price limit on this step.  For an exchange with 6 people, I'll ask everyone to create 5 boxes to trade, and to not spend more than $20 total.  When you're prepping 5 of the exact same box, you're able to buy in bulk for supplies, which helps keep the cost down.

4) On your designated time and day, everyone shows up for a playdate and the exchange happens!  You get to take home one box per attendee, leaving you with a stack of different preschool activities that YOU didn't have to prep or purchase.

Not sure what to make for your busy box?

Here are some of the biggest hits at our house:

Weather:  "Snow dough", weather prediction wheels, a rainbow matching game, and a mini felt board with weather symbols that I made from scraps of felt and a cardboard box (cut up).   I supplemented this at home with weather videos on YouTube, weather books from our own homeschool library, and a "make it rain in a jar" science experiment

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Shapes:  Tangrams made out of foam pieces, a "build your own" robot craft made out of construction paper shapes, a $1 flashcard set on shapes, and a "hungry shark" game (an envelope turned into a shark with an open mouth, and the child would "feed" the shark the correct shapes as I called them out.  I supplemented with a bunch of large cut out shapes that we'd place around the room and hunt for, or I'd tape to the ground and have them jump to the right shape as I called them out.

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Human Body: A free printout puzzle that I found online that has the child match the body shape to the correct place in the body,  a laminated blank face outline, dry erase markers, and a handheld mirror so they could draw what they see on themselves in the mirror, paper bags and crayons to draw puppet people.  I supplemented with books on the body from our homeschool library and an old Mr Potato Head toy that we had lying around.

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Creepy-crawlies:  a lady bug matching game made out of foam pieces, a bug matching game made from laminated pictures and plastic bugs from the store, a caterpillar lacing toy (egg carton and pipe cleaner made the "caterpillar" and they laced simple plastic beads on it), black paper and white crayons and glue sticks to make handprint spiders, and a roll of crepe paper to make spider webs.   I supplemented with videos on bugs,  and a scavenger hunt outside to look for our own creepy crawlies.

  

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It Doesn't Have To Be "Educational"

Maybe the idea of creating a themed unit in a box is too much for your group, or your playgroup kiddos are too young to really get into subjects like this in much depth.  That's okay!  Ideas for simple busy boxes can be found online, and can be more about things like fine motor skills (threading or lacing toys) or pre-math and reading activities, like sorting shapes or colors.    Just make sure to give everyone some ideas (I'll post links below!), and set parameters if the kids are small enough (no choking hazards, for example).   Be creative and have fun!

Rainbow matching game for the Weather box

Remember, the goal is to minimize your time and costs, while having fun!   Keeping the kiddos entertained for chunks of time is a nice side effect, too.  ;)

Have a great weekend, friends!

Links for Busy Box Ideas:

https://www.carrieelle.com/busy-box-ideas-to-entertain-your-kids/

https://www.rd.com/advice/parenting/busy-box-ideas-for-kids/

https://littlebinsforlittlehands.com/25-low-prep-busy-boxes-or-busy-bags-activities/

When Adoption Doesn't Work Out the Way You Think it Will....

This is a bit of a vulnerable post for me to write.  I ask that you allow me the grace to share our story as we are living it.  There's a good chance that it doesn't match yours, and in this instance, that's okay.   Thanks, y'all.

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I've written before about how we came to move to the frozen tundra, or as Clown #2 likes to call it, the arctic of the USA.  (haha). I haven't quite shared all of the details yet, though.   I'm going to try to do that tonight, because this last week has been a time where a "circle has been closed" for us, and it's been a relief in a way that I am going to try to put into words.  

Almost exactly two years ago, Mike and I were talking about starting a second adoption.  We were living in Maine and our house was big enough.  Our car was big enough.  Our finances were pretty good (they can always be better, amiright?).   Our health was getting back in order, after my pneumonia episode.   The kids were getting older and more self-sufficient.   Clown #6 was about a year old, but we knew that if we started an adoption with Clown #4's home country, it would be about a year and a half before the child came home anyways, so we were looking at a good chunk of time before anything would change and where she'd get to stay the baby a bit longer.

So, we reached out to our placing agency who had helped us with our first adoption.  Our social worker excitedly emailed us back, telling us about a baby boy (seriously, a baby boy - he was only 8 months old!) who was available for adoption, and who she'd been wanting to "cold call" us about for months, because she could see him in our family.   She sent us his information and pictures, and we both just fell in love with this little guy.   We decided we would try to move forward with the adoption.

It came to a halt, almost immediately.   With this country, every agency who touches the paperwork must be approved by the government in the child's home country.    In our state, Maine, there was only one agency who was approved to work with these adoptions.  They'd done our first home study and follow up post-placement report with Clown #4's adoption.   They'd just instituted a requirement that they would not do any adoptions for any family who had more than 5 children under the age of 16 in the home.

We had 6 kids under the age of 16.   They refused to even entertain the idea, telling us to "come back when Clown #1 was 16 and they'd be happy to help us then!".  The placement agency AND the in-country agency in Clown #4's home country tried to convince them to allow an exception, scheduling conference calls to discuss our case, etc.

They still refused.

On the day of the last attempt by the placing agency (another conference call), Mike and I decided to pray a nine-hour novena.  Our intention was for God's Will to be made visible to all involved, and for us to be able to follow it faithfully.    We asked all of our friends to pray it along with us.

The first eight hours came and went.  No update from our social worker.  We had absolutely no idea how that phone call went, or if it even happened.  She tended to work on a time schedule that allowed for overlapping hours between our country and Clown #4's home country, so it wasn't unusual for us to get updates via email in the middle of the night.  We weren't worried about not hearing anything yet, although we desperately wanted some news.

Next thing we knew, it was the last 15 minutes of the ninth hour, and honestly, thinking about now still gives me the chills.   In that 15 minutes, God made His Will crystal clear to us....and it was not at all what we had expected.

At 8 hours and 45 minutes, Mike listened to a voicemail that he'd gotten earlier in the day.  At that exact time, I was reading a postcard we'd gotten in the mail that same day.  We literally turned to each other and said, "Hey, look at this!" and it was the *same information*.

He was listening to a phone call from a headhunter.   Normally, he gets 1-2 of these phone calls a day and just deletes the voicemails without really even listening to them.   We get at least 8-10 of these postcards in the mail every week, and I usually just toss them (after looking to see if the job is in Pensacola, of course, haha).  But on this day, with 15 minutes left in the novena, we'd both picked up/listened to the exact same job opportunity and decided it was worth mentioning to the other person.

The job was in the Midwest, at a Catholic hospital.  They were looking for someone who had knowledge and experience in fertility awareness/natural family planning.   Anywhere in the Midwest was closer to his family, and would put us within striking distance in case of an emergency or if they needed anything.  It would also open our kids up to many more opportunities for education past high school that we could afford.   

He called the headhunter and got more information about the position.   It was exactly what he'd always wanted, and within hours of his family (and in-state tuition to two of the colleges that our kids wanted to go to).   He agreed to talk to the head of the department over the phone.

Then we got the email from our social worker.

The Maine agency had said no, yet again, and there was nothing she could do to change their minds.  They had agreed that we were a wonderful family, had all the necessary resources, and could parent another child....but they were refusing to make an exception to their rule.  

To make an already too long story shorter, we found ourselves feeling strangely at peace with the decision of the Maine agency.   Our hearts were broken, and we worried about this little boy not having a family when we could be his family, but something about the way the nine-hour novena had ended up brought peace to our hearts.   Maybe, just maybe, God was telling us that we needed to find out more about this job opportunity first.

So...we did.   And as you all know, we ended up moving across the country.   Throughout the entire process, we've continued praying for that little guy in a country across the ocean, hoping that a family had come forward for him.

Shortly after this, an online friend reached out.  They'd requested more information about this little guy, and were planning to move forward with an adoption.   I was over the moon - not only would he have a family, but it was one that I loved and respected so much.   I knew he'd be loved on and well cared for, and he would be within driving distance, so maybe I'd even get to see him someday.

For various reasons, that adoption ended up not happening.   Again, my heart hurt for this little guy, but I can say with 100% certainty that another little boy needed this family more at that moment. 

We've tried to start a second adoption with this particular country, because our hearts are there, but the logistics of adopting up here in the tundra got MUCH harder (just as our finances finally were allowing us to move forward) when the only agency accredited to do the kind of home study that we needed closed.  Everything was put on hold until it was easier to get an agency up to us to do a home study.   (we're kind of hard to reach by car or plane up here during the winter - access closes unpredictably, and we were having a hard time finding an agency that would commit to driving up here before the winter weather was over).  We've been researching other countries, but none of them really fit our budget or travel constraints, and some of them raised some moral issues that we weren't comfortable with.   We started the foster care approval process, but decided to wait until Mike's opioid treatment program got up and running, in case there'd be a conflict of interest.   We were frustrated and struggling to figure out exactly what was supposed to be the path for us right now.

We decided to take the winter off from researching and discussing it, and work on building up our finances for a future adoption.  Winters are a little tough around here, with Clown #4 getting sick easily, and kids participating in two competitive sports that both require travel.   I also really wanted to get my nutrition coaching business off of the ground, because I knew that had the potential to help us fund a future adoption.  We agreed to focus on the here and now, and appreciate this place that God has led us to.

Friends, this move has done more for our family than I can put into words.   Mike and I have gotten so much healthier.  We've reclaimed our crazy life and made it one that we enjoy - we found our laughter again.   We loved Maine and our friends there, but it has become evident that the lifestyle that we'd set up there was not a healthy one.  (I wrote a bit about that here).  With this move, we've been able to refocus our family on what truly matters: God, our vocations as spouse and parent, our family life, and our health.

I'd taken the last year and a half or so "off" of various adoption groups that I had been active in online, including one for Reece's Rainbow families/supporters, and one for families who were in process to or had adopted from Clown #4's home country.   With wanting to use my nutrition coaching as a way to donate to adoptions, I'd started wading back into those groups and participating in discussions there.   I'm not sure where we are going to end up with a future adoption of our own, but for right now, I'm at peace with trying to support other families who are working to give kids like Clown #4 a home and a family.

Last week, I started talking about the process in Clown #4's home country with another woman who was struggling with some of the things we'd had to deal with during our adoption:  getting agencies approved by the country, moving due to a job and that causing a delay, etc.   His home country is amazing with taking care of their kids, and everything is verrrryyyy much above board and by the rules, but the tradeoff for that is it just takes so, so, so friggin' long compared to other countries.  I mean, the in-country fee is $800 or something crazy like that - it's not exactly a money making enterprise for the country's economy.  But the tradeoff for that?  It takes a long time.   A very long time.   And the country is incredibly detail-oriented with every single piece of paper and approval and step along the way.  Which adds time.   Lots of time.   

Anyway, this mom and I talked about the trials of adopting from this country, and how hard it was to watch other families seemingly fly through the process with other countries when we just wanted to hold our own little ones in our arms, too.

On a whim, I asked her about the little guy she was adopting.  I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me into the question, and just went with it.  I'm not usually that direct, haha.

Friends, as you're probably all anticipating.....her son is the little boy we prayed and fought so hard for two years ago.  He has a family! A family who is praying to bring him home as soon as possible.  

A mom who desperately wants to hold her son in her arms.

This little guy is not mean to be our son, but I feel so much love and gratitude for him already.   He is the reason we are here in the tundra.   He is the reason that we were able to reclaim our family life and our health.   He is the reason that we have found peace again at the Circus.

I can't do too much from afar - other than continue to pray for him (and now his family!) - but I ask that you prayerfully consider supporting this family on their journey.   This little guy means so much to us at the Circus, and now so does his family.   I cannot put into words how much relief it brings us to know that he will soon be home, in the embrace of sibling and parents, and able to grow up knowing that love that a family can provide. 

If you have the ability to, would you consider throwing a few dollars into the Wilkinson's family fund on Reece's Rainbow?   You'll get a tax write off for next year, and they'll be able to move that much faster towards bringing this little guy home.

The Circus would be so appreciative.   

Please keep Tate and his family in your prayers as they work through the remaining time of the adoption.   It will be trying at times, and they'll feel worn.  Let's cover them in prayers and relieve a little bit of the burden on their shoulders.

Thanks, friends.

All the little things....

Good afternoon, y'all.

It's been awhile.

How are you doing?

I'm sitting here, trying to decide where exactly to start to catch everyone up.....I've been focusing on things like my own certification training, schooling for the kids, and prioritizing taking care of myself physically and mentally over everything else, and that ended up including this little corner of the internet.  I'm happy to be back, brushing up cobwebs and adding little bits of information like this little corner here.   I still have a lot of updating to do on the various pages of the blog, but I'll get there.  Just be patient with me.  :)

In addition to brushing up the various corners of the internet that have to do with the Circus, there's now an instagram in addition to a facebook page.  Feel free to come browse around over there.   

I think that's all of the housekeeping that I needed to catch you guys up on.  I've primarily had my head down, working hard on getting things in order under the Circus tent.    Homeschooling high school is intense, y'all!  We're enjoying it, and we had finally found a rhythm that worked well for us, but things are a bit in flux at the moment.  Circus Clown #5's insurance coverage for his therapy has been bouncing around all over the place, so I paused our weekly therapy sessions (during which my bigger kids would CRUSH their homeschool work because all of the littles were out of the house) until we could figure out the billing issues, and so now we are readjusting to all being home together every day of the week.  

I have a long list of blog posts that I've started and jotted down notes for, and have not actually typed up - my goal over the next few months is to meet those blog posts head on and really start working through my thoughts and ideas on a bunch of topics.  We've found a place where we are all mostly at peace (teenage angst not included), and it feels like a safe time to start working through my thoughts. Now that I'm not spending every weekend studying, I should have some more time to dig deep into life and all of the little things.

I'll admit to struggling a bit with putting myself out there, especially now that I'm dipping my toes into the world of nutrition coaching.   I *know* I have life experience and now book knowledge.   I'm hopeful that this will allow me to reach out and grab the hands of others who feel like they're drowning, just like I did two years ago.   I'm passionate about this - we are suffering from a vast lack of love in today's world.  Not ooey-goooey romantic love.   True, life-affirming love, especially love of ourselves.  We are hurting, we are lonely, and it's killing us slowly.  If I can do nothing else but convince someone that they are worthy of love and compassion, then I will consider this venture a success.   

But what I'm discovering about myself, as I start to put myself out there more and more, is that I suffer from something that I've jokingly called a "confidence deficiency" when talking about it with Mike.   I worry about being rejected.   I worry about being mocked or challenged as I try to speak a simple truth:  we are worthy of love, merely because we exist.   I believe this, I try to live it, and I try to witness to it in everything that I do and say.   I want to encourage others to believe this, to live it, and to witness to it.   

And as I try to do that, to witness to this truth, to embody it to the best of my ability, I doubt myself.  I'm not immune to the negative self-talk, the challenging of my own abilities, the doubting of my own self worth.  I hope that sharing my own fears and struggle will help others recognize that it's not just them.   The world, the world as seen on social media especially, isn't perfect.  The people you see aren't perfectly confident and assured of their value as a human being.

We are all scared.   We are all lonely.  

We are all living for another world, a better one.   We are all reflections of the image of God.  We are all worthy of love and able to show each other love, if we put our minds to it.

We just need to be reminded of this simple truth.   Often.  Including me.

Welcome back to the Circus, friends.   Let's get things going over here.....