Nunc coepi!

Nunc coepi! — now I begin! This is the cry of a soul in love which, at every moment, whether it has been faithful or lacking in generosity, renews its desire to serve — to love! — our God with a wholehearted loyalty.  

- St Josemaria Escriva, The Furrow 161

So here we are.

January 2015.

The "New Year" syndrome doesn't usually hit me.   I'm more of an impulsive, doesn't matter what month it is, I'm going to make a change NOW, kind of girl usually.   I often chuckle at the idea of a New Year's resolution - why wait until January 1 to start something that you can start now?   

And yet....here I am.   Thinking of resolutions.   Thinking of what needs to change and how to make it change and how to even get started.   I wrote here about my resolutions for the year, but I left one very important one out:

Find Beauty.

It sounds overly simple.   Find Beauty.

Maybe it is overly simple and that's why I've been neglecting it recently.   Maybe it's one of those "right in front of your nose" things and I just haven't been paying attention.

What I do know is that I'm restless.   I'm longing for Beauty.   

For too long now, I've been slipping into the "drudgery" of life.   The joking-don't-take-anything-seriously-defense-mechanism side of me blames it on the weather.   Our winter has stunk so far here in Maine.  Too much rain and cloud coverage and not enough snow and sunshine.   But that's not all of it.

A good part of it has been me.   As each day winds into the next and I fall into bed, exhausted and already dreading the physical labour of the day to come, my root sin of sensuality comes forward a little bit more.   Every day starts with a battle of wills, if you want to call it that:   a battle to overcome my natural tendency to laziness and focus on my vocation and getting myself and those around me to Heaven.  

But, but, but!  I can hear you interrupting now.

Yes, laziness.   I know, I know, I'm always busy and always working, and that's a GOOD thing, but you know what?   It's a very conscious decision on my part to be so active and aware of my "work" as a mom and wife.   

If I wasn't consciously choosing to act like this?  To focus on my role and job as mother and wife?

I'd be sleeping.

All day.


I can't even say that I'd be doing something spiritually awesome, like praying, or living out a contemplative life.

Nope.

And I don't know about you guys, but I know that for myself, if I give that root sin a little bit of room?   Rationalize my way out of doing something that I know I have to do because I'm "too tired?"  
I'd eventually never get out of bed in the morning.  

I think, at some point, if I wasn't actively aware of this tendency, and trying to fight it with increasing discipline and focusing on temperance.....well, it just wouldn't be pretty.

So I actively choose to focus on discipline and sacrifice, trying to consciously turn any sacrifice I might be feeling into a prayer.   My laundry room has *got* to be the holiest room of the house, as it seems that the biggest struggles and heartfelt prayers start there, but, I digress.   

But, I've noticed over the past few months that my focus has slipped.   

I'm forgetting to pray first.   I'm forgetting to focus.  

I read a blog once (and I can't for the life of me find it on Google right now.  It was either by Simcha or Jen, but I cannot find it at all) that compared a person's faith life to that "Love Languages" book.  Since I can't find the original blog, I'm going to have to paraphrase and I'll probably end up butchering it, so bear with me.   Anyway.   The authour used the concept of love languages to talk about how God reveals Himself to each one of us.   She explained that God is always searching for us, always desiring to be in relationship with us.  As a way of drawing us to Him, He's constantly calling us, waiting for us to respond, and since God is God,  He can call to us in an infinite number of ways.

Each of us is a unique being, and we "hear" God's call through different means.   For some, it's through Love (picture the actions of Pope Francis or St Mother Teresa).  For others, it's through Truth (Logic - think St Thomas Aquinas).  For some of us...it's through Beauty.  

Beauty, natural or man-made, puts God's Love into a concrete, understandable form for me.   Huge theological concepts that I can't even begin to put into words, at least coherent ones, are "known" by my innermost being through Beauty.

Beauty is God's call to me.

I know this, and I've been ignoring it.  Refusing to see the Beauty in my everyday life.  Refusing to take the time and energy to respond to His call, because, well, I'm letting laziness win.

So, this year will be the year of Beauty at the Circus.   I will look, I will find, and I will (hopefully) share His Beauty and let it remind me to answer His call.   

Nunc coepi!

Now I begin!