Confessions

*It's really hard to blog....when all you want to do is whine.  No one wants to hear that.

*I am SO struggling with not being able to figure out this whole exercising thing.   My days are jam-packed with kid-care and schooling and therapy sessions and meal prep and appointments (it's amazing how many appointments happen with 5 kids and two dogs:  vets, dentist, doctor's, etc) and then throw in grocery shopping and post office runs (since the snow is forcing our mail to not get delivered) and house care and.......I can't figure out how to work it in during the day.   By the time I get caught up enough to do it at night, it's 9pm, and then by the time I shower and calm down enough to actually fall asleep...it's midnight.   Throw in a baby wake-up call or two during the night, and then having to get up again the next morning early enough to get Mr Theo to school and/or appointments.....and I only get 4-5 hours of sleep a night.  Which isn't enough for me.....at all......so I end up feeling like I'm in a fog all day.

* It's really hard to be the "rock" for five kids, two dogs, and a husband.   Who all rely on you for a huge portion (or ALL, if we're talking about the kids) of their daily lives.  

* I usually don't answer the phone.  Even if I know why someone is calling.   The phone gives me panic attacks.

* "Don't you have anyone who can help you with stuff?" was what someone asked me yesterday - when picking Theo up from school to get to a dentist appointment - and I still can't stop thinking about it.   Should I have help?  Am I not doing something right?   I thought yesterday was going super smoothly - everyone was happy and well-fed and dressed in non-holey, non-dirty clothing.   Did she see something that I didn't?

* I snuck a couple of spoonfuls of peanut butter last night while making this soup for dinner.   And then told the kids that they couldn't have any because "dinner was almost ready."  

*  I spend most of my days trying to convince myself that I'm actually doing okay as a mother.

*  I spend any time that isn't spent trying to convince myself that I'm doing okay as a mother trying to tell myself that I'm doing okay as a person, too, and it's okay to put myself first every so often.

*  I spend what little time I have left after those two things trying to fight a feeling of jealousy that Mike gets to shower every day without interruptions and can wear "real clothes" on a regular basis.

*   It really bothers me when people comment on "how I have it all together" or how much of a "supermom" I am....because I'm just not.   It makes me feel guilty about what I must be doing wrong, and I feel like a deer in headlights because I just want to point out all that I've failed at that day already.

*   I hate reading "out loud" and often get Joseph or Graham to do it for me.  Or audiobooks.

*  I almost don't want to hit "publish" on this because I worry that people will think that it's a bad thing to have a big family.

*  I often wear the baby when I don't really "need" to, because I love having her that close still.

*  I encourage art projects because then I can claim that my house isn't "messy" but that we're just a creative family doing art class.  ;)

*  I homeschool because I would miss my kids if they were gone all day (one of the reasons).

*  I spend too much time browsing through dresses that I'll probably never buy or wear and dreaming about buying them and wearing clothes like that everyday.

*   The craft store causes me to have panic attacks, even though I love doing arts and crafts with the kids.

*  Add  yours

*  in the comments below.......

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Five Faves: Baby, baby!

Linking up with Jenna again today!

I thought it'd be fun to revisit this time last year, when we were getting ready to welcome Baby Ruthie and bring a newborn into our house for the first time in five years.   We'd gotten rid of most of our baby stuff, since we'd had to move across the country and less stuff = less cost, and I was starting to think about what kinds of things I needed to have around.   There wasn't much on my "must have" list....very unlike when we first brought Joseph home and I thought we needed oh so much stuff....and I thought it'd be fun to boil it down to my five favourite baby goodies (minus the car seat because, well, that's kind of self-explanatory that it's a "must have").....

Here we go!

1.

Diapers

source

I'm a cloth diaper fan, after being converted to cloth when Joseph was about 8 months old.  We were struggling to find a disposable diaper that didn't make him break out in a rash (darn redheads and their sensitive skin!), so we switched to cloth.  I've never gone back!   We do use disposables here and there (when traveling, when I forget to start the laundry, when we have a babysitter), but we primarily use these diapers.  I bought them 10 years ago, with Joseph, and they've now on their 6th baby of use, since we loaned them out a couple of times to friends.  Love love love them.

2.

A Moby Wrap

I was such a clueless first time mom with Joseph.  Baby wearing?  What the heck is that?

I learned quickly when Mr Graham came along.   Sitting down and cuddling a baby who wanted to sleep, or carrying a baby around everywhere just wasn't alway an option when I also had a 17-month old toddling around.   The Moby was by-far my favourite wrap for a young infant, and it was the first thing to go onto my "must have" list when we went shopping for Miss Ruthie.

3.

Bottles

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I knew, from previous experience, that breastfeeding wasn't going to be an exclusive thing for me and Miss Ruthie.   I'd tried so incredibly hard with the three boys to make it an exclusive thing, and each time, I ended up having to supplement with formula and I felt like an incredible failure of a mother when we moved that way.   I decided with Miss Ruthie that I wasn't going to push me or her as hard as I had with the boys (No pumping.   No medications.  Supplements, maybe, but no pharmaceuticals.   No weight checks.)   The stress of the constant scrutiny and worry and then the mad dash to the store to buy bottles and formula just wasn't going to happen, especially because Mr Theo was coming home a mere month after Ruthie was born.   Just nope.

I'd learned with the three boys that these bottles were our favourite brand. They went back on the "must have" list, and I was pleasantly surprised to see that they now had a glass bottle version available.    Definitely a top-five item for us.

4.

A good swing

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This swing may have been the best investment, ever, this time around.  Because of it, I've actually gotten sleep while the baby was stuffed up/sick.   And Ruthie's gotten naps while the big kids were being, well, the big kids.   I love it and will probably cry on the day that Ruthie grows out of it.    It moves so smoothly, and so quietly, and ....best feature......it PLUGS IN!   No more constant supply (and purchasing) of batteries.  No more running out of batteries just when you need it most.....I seriously love this thing!

5.

A Co-Sleeper

source

I'm kind of cheating on this one, because we already owned it (it was the one piece of baby stuff that I didn't sell when we moved, because I loved it that much and it works great as a portable crib when babysitting other people's babies!), but it would definitely be on my must-have list if we didn't already own it.

We typically don't bedshare (unless I happen to accidentally fall asleep while feeding the baby!), because of some previous experiences that Mike had in medical school/residency.   Once you see a bad outcome, it's awfully  hard to forget it, unfortunately.   Instead, we co-sleep with one of these side-car contraptions with our babies.   For me, it's a great compromise between bedsharing and the whole "baby-must-be-in-her-own-crib" viewpoints.   She's still close enough for me to soothe at night or to wake up quickly and get to her as soon as she starts to fuss, but yet she's slightly removed from our actual bed and those bad memories.

Our co-sleeper is similar to this one, just a slightly older model (and different colour).  I've been extremely happy with it and would definitely recommend it to anyone looking to buy one!

******

So, there you have it, my "must-have" list that had to be marked off before Ruthie made her appearance last spring.   Once we'd checked these things off, I was actually able to relax my pregnant-mom-crazy-brain slightly and focus on the actual process of bringing our little girl home.   

Kind of.   

I still had a good chunk of that crazy-brain, even after securing these things.   Knowing that Mike was leaving 2 weeks after my due date to fly around the world and bring Mr Theo home helped keep a little bit of that crazy-brain around.......

******

Have a great day, y'all!

Well, that's a nice surprise!

Thanks to Joseph's placement of the diaper bag in the front seat of the car (upside down, sigh) and the subsequent leakage of allllllll 6 oz of hot water that I take with me everywhere for Baby Ruthie's bottles, forcing me to run back inside the house after strapping all 5 clowns into their car seats and get MORE boiling water to take with us.....

....I was actually inside of the house instead of driving away when Mike called home to tell me that we'd just gotten an email canceling gymnastics practice (why I was loading up the kids into the car at 2:45 pm today).

So the kids are back in the house, happily playing with their legos.   The babies are napping.   And I'm sitting down to blog.   Surprise, surprise.

Theo's paperwork for finalization is STILL not done, apparently.  Sigh.  I filled in all of the blanks, signed all of the forms, wrote out the essay answers and attached all the original copies of our homestudies (and updates), marriage license, and photocopies of all of the documentation from his home country.......only to get there and find out that even though she (the clerk) told me when I picked up the blank forms AND it only said "copies" of the documents from his home country on the checklist that she gave me.....she needs to physically see the originals (which are really just certified photocopies, but I guess they're "originals" to the US) of those forms before she can accept our paperwork.  Trying not to be annoyed, but considering I was there in person talking to her AND had double-checked that I understood her checklist before leaving the office, I'm slightly peeved.   One day this child will be a US citizen and our legal son and we can go visit my family.  One day.  

It's still snowing outside, but Theo's speech appointment wasn't canceled this morning, so we were out and about already once today.  I thought about canceling on my own, but we've had to do that so much recently because he was sick, I just didn't really want to cancel it again today.   A quick stop at the big ol' warehouse store after speech, and I had my first pleasant surprise of the day.

Why is it that you always get the comments about your kids on the days when you really don't feel like you deserve them?   I've been fighting off a migraine all day (it's just hovering....threatening to move in completely), the kids are responding appropriately.  Namely, loudly.  It's not a *bad* loud, per se - they're not yelling at each other and fighting.   But, migraines don't know the difference between goofy loud and angry loud, you know?   By the time we'd made it through speech and then the store and over to the attached gas station, I was totally flustered.   It's hard to think when your head is throbbing.

So, I'm standing there, shivering, and pumping gas, and an older gentleman pulled up next to me.  He told me that he'd seen me and the kids in the store, and that he just really wanted to compliment me on my family.  He just kept going on and on about the boys and how it was "obvious that they care about each other" (?!?! not my first observation, but, hey, whatever!).   It was nice to hear, and very affirming, but I always wonder - why doesn't this happen when the kids actually ARE well-behaved?   Is this always a sympathy pat-on-the-back and not honesty?   I dunno.  Just an observation.

We booked vacation plans the other day, and now I'm starting to brainstorm activities for our drive.....all 23 hours of it (pre-kids driving time, so we're anticipating closer to 30 hours of travel time).   I'm contemplating breaking my "no electronics in the car" rule for personal mp3 players for the older rascals.   Do you have one that you love for the kids to use?   Just a simple one that can play music and/or audiobooks would be best.   No internet access, and preferably reasonably priced since I have to get 3 of them.  Link me up!

Alright, I think I need to give in and make some coffee and hope this headache goes away!

Hush

What is it about a winter storm that makes my brain go crazy?  Is it the quiet?   Is it the forced isolation?   Is it the destruction of carefully laid plans?   

Is it the fact that the entire world is transformed into a blank slate, ready to be manipulated into new creations:   new snow banks, new snowmen, new snow forts?  

The snow is falling softly, deceptively calm and peaceful, hiding the fact that we're getting a pretty good amount of snow on top of the already deep drifts outside of my door.

It's naptime.  The coffee is hot and the house noise has diminished to a dull roar instead of the normal chaos.

I'm sitting here, watching the flakes dancing outside and I can't help but think.  My mind races.

The snowstorm promises a clean slate.  It promises freshness and newness and white blankets and cold, refreshing air.

It's a chance to build again.   A chance to create.   A chance to wipe away the dirt and grime and ugliness that I'd let build up.

The snow renews my motivation to start again.   To dedicate myself to sanctifying daily life.   To putting myself into His presence and move forward.

I guess this feeling that the snow storm always brings isn't my brain going crazy.   

It's waking up.

Zone Defense

I'm a member of an online Catholic Moms group, and recently, we've been having a discussion about what advice you'd give a "newer" mom if you got the chance to give any one piece of advice whatsoever.  I've been thinking about that discussion a lot the past few days, and have been recalling the last ten years of my life and thinking about what has changed and what I wish had changed sooner, or maybe wish hadn't changed at all.

It's an interesting thought process.  I've spent the last decade of my life raising the Circus clowns and a lot has changed during that time.   When I sat there, trying to figure out what one piece of advice I'd give a "new mom", it really just came down to two words:

Lighten up.

That's it, really.  

*******

Learn to trust yourself and your instincts.  In the last ten years, the vast majority of my parenting decisions were the right ones.....when I paused to listen to "my gut."   When I put so much value into the opinions of all of the "experts" out there....it usually ended up being the wrong decision.   No one knows our kids and our family as well as me and Mike.   With the exception of those who do know us very well and are very closely involved in our daily lives (ex:  grandparents, our family doctor, close family friends), the opinions of others don't usually matter.   I needed to stop letting them matter.

*******

My house doesn't look like a Crate and Barrel ad.   I don't prepare gourmet meals.  If you come over to visit, there's a good chance the toilet seat will be up and the toilet may very well not be flushed (!boys!).  My kids' clothes don't always match.   Heck, they don't usually match unless they're little enough for me to be dressing them myself.   If you run into us later in the day....there's a really good chance that half of the Circus clowns will have dirty shirts on.  What can I say?  They're messy eaters and I'm not adding to my already massive laundry responsibility.   Things aren't perfectly clean and in order, and that's okay.   I needed to let go of that pressure to be perfect.

*******

I stopped micro-managing the clowns.  The other day, I ran into another mom who confessed to being totally overwhelmed with her young son and commented that she just "didn't know how I did it with five kids!"  I  looked around at us and pointed out that all of my kids were in running shoes and sweatshirts, and not bundled up in complete, head-to-toe winter gear like her son was.   I admitted to her that this was my "secret."  I stopped telling them what to do all.of.the.time and let them make some decisions.  Would they possibly be cold on the minutes-long walk from the car into the building?  Probably.  But they'd learn.   And I had their winter stuff in the car in case of an accident or emergency.  But I let them choose what they were going to wear and didn't waste my own time/energy on getting them bundled.   Even the five year old, who looked to be about the same age as her son.   They'd learn natural consequences, and my life was simplified and less stressful.

*******

I moved from man-on-man defense to zone defense.   Getting us to the goal line (Heaven) became my only goal, and I wasn't going to be able to lead each child there by the hand.   Instead, I was going to have to set the parameters and let them free.   (Chesterton's "playground on a mountain" imagery works well for me here - I put the fence in place with rules and guidelines, but they were going to have to decide what to do within that fence itself).   My job was to give them the tools to get to Heaven, not be their personal chauffeur.   

*******

Triaging became the name of the game.   I got really good at realizing that I wasn't going to be able to be all things to all children, but I could be the right thing for the right situation/child.   Those who needed me most were who I went to first.   It might sound cold, in some way, but I think it actually had hidden benefits.  One, my clowns began to be a little bit more independent and started using that critical thinking that I really wanted them to practice.   And two, I started to watch individual relationships pop up between the Circus clowns that hadn't previously been there.   Theo and Graham have an intensely strong bond.   The baby *loves* Joseph.   If I had tried to be everything to everyone, there wouldn't have been the chance for Joseph to swoop in and pick the baby up when she wanted to cuddle/be held.    The hard part is feeling confident in my ability to judge who needs me the most....and to remember to check in with (and focus on) the child who is quiet enough to blend into the background but yet still needs some Mommy time.   

*******

Marriage is work, and won't be perfect all of the time.   Those first date flutters and flowers aren't always going to be there.   Marriage won't always look like the chick flicks that I based my whole concept of love on in high school.....and that's okay.    I needed to lighten up there, too.   Mike might not always surprise me with fancy dates and trips for just the two of us.   But he would step in and clean the kitchen up so I don't have to.  Or let me sleep in on a Saturday morning, and greet me with coffee when I stumble out of bed.   Love looked a lot more like the big, comfy sweatshirt that I'd lounge around in than the fancy dress and high heels that I thought it would be.   And that's okay.  In fact, it's good, because it's the true reality of life, not the magazine version.

*******

So, Heidi-from-ten-years-ago, here's what Heidi-from-the-now would tell you, if she could:

Lighten up.

Life will look a lot brighter once you start to do that.

Motion sensor lights, the dress, and random Saturday chaos

Mike's still skiing, so today is a gymnastics marathon for me. Round one is over, and we're back home letting Ruthie and Theo sleep, and I'll head back with the three littles to pick Joseph and Graham up at 4.   But now, I'm sitting at the computer with my afternoon hot cup of coffee and Nicholas is sitting behind me, making me a necklace out of random beads that I picked up at the craft store.  Life is good....
In case you were jealous, or thought life was always smooth sailing at the Circus....let me tell you about our morning out and about....

We went to Target and Chipotle between Nicholas' gym pick up and J/G's gym drop off. At Chipotle, I let Nicholas go to the bathroom by himself (he had to poop apparently) because it's a single toilet and it was right in my eyesight. Apparently, though, the light is a motion sensor one and it turned off while he was pooping.   Poor guy FREAKED OUT. I could hear him screaming 'I CAN'T SEEEEE!" over the music and lunch rush, it was that loud. Trying to explain to him that I just needed him to wave his arms around and the lights would turn back on through the door WHILE he was screaming was quite fun (and I'm sure extremely entertaining for the staff). He'd locked the door, so one staff member was trying to get me the key but hadn't returned yet, and he just wouldn't stop saying "But why?!?!? I don't get it. I can't seeeeee!!!" and just DO it. Sigh. This child has to understand EV.ER.Y.THING before he'll do it. He's honestly super smart and thinks like an engineer, and most of the time that's okay (like when we do physics experiments at the grocery store because he wants to know WHY the cart keeps moving when he lets go..or I draw a nerve cell on a napkin during dinner because he wants to know WHY he can feel something when it touches his arm and a simple "momentum" or "nerves" isn't a good enough answer), but sometimes, oy vey. Today was one of those "oh my gosh just DO it it doesn't matter why" times, haha.

Do you know how hard it was to NOT laugh when he finally came out?   Poor guy was all red faced and had tear streaks on his cheeks, so I obviously couldn't laugh at him (because I'm not really all that motivated to win "Mommy of the Year" for 2015.  2014 was enough....), but my gosh, it was kind of priceless.     I've been told that I did a similar thing in the bathroom on an airplane once and was crazy upset, but I don't remember it at all.  Either I successfully blocked the memory or I was just too young to really retain it....hoping the same is true for him!

I think I finally finished Theo's finalization paperwork last night.  I need to photocopy his passport and birth certificate from his home country, but that's it.  I think.  My gosh, that paperwork was cumbersome.   And repetitive.  Please tell me WHY I had to answer (in long answer/essay format) things like his cultural/ethnic background when all of that is IN THE HOMESTUDY that they're also requiring?    You know, the same homestudy they already have copies of?  Sigh.   It was a hard month trying to get it done when my brain felt like it was in a fog of sick kids and no sleep to begin with, but I think it's ready to be dropped off on Monday.  Fingers crossed that this part of the process goes smoothly.  I'd love to go visit family in Canada this summer......

Let's see...what else?

Oh, right!  My dress came.  I'm happy with it - it's crazy comfortable, and I think it's cute.   What do you think?

I moved my legs just as Nicholas was snapping the picture, so ignore the blur at the bottom, but it's the best I can do when my assistants are all 10 or under.....

Alright, I think I need to get some work done before we head back out again to pick up the big kids, or else I'm going end up working way too hard tonight after bedtime!   Have a great rest of your weekend, y'all!

Quick Takes: Mommy's Magic Trick and more!

Linking up with Kelly again today!

Single-parenting for the past few days and the next few days, so this has got to be quick.....here we go!

1.

In the Kitchen

Tonight's Dinner.  I made a double batch so that I could freeze some and give some away, and there's soooooo much food in my kitchen right now!     I'd take a picture, but I'm lazy and haven't actually made the burritos yet.   The filling is made, but I kind of stopped there for awhile.  Naptime was preptime, and actual dinner-making-time isn't here yet.   This is a family favourite though - the kids love it and I love how easy it is to make a ton and freeze for a future meal.  (Heidi's note:  I double the spices, though.  Without that, it seems bland to us).

2.

At School

This week has had a lot of "school on the go" days, and we also did a few movie afternoons with the weather and a certain sick little boy.   The biggest Circus clown is currently reading/learning about Ben Franklin, and it seemed kind of like Divine Providence that Baby Girl would just so happen to wake up and not want to go to sleep and instead want to have a middle-of-the-night party and I would get the urge to flip on the TV (NEVER happens, because we don't have cable, so there's nothing on in the middle of the night!) and it would just so happen to be left on PBS (okay, this happens a lot, haha) and this show would be on.  I let the kids watch it again the next day, and they were fascinated!

(Okay interesting graphic to choose, YouTube, but it's "Secrets of the Dead:  Ben Franklin's Bones")

3.

What I'm Reading

Mike's been gone the past few days and I've still got a few days ahead of me, and what that translates into around the Circus is READING TIME FOR MOMMY!  I decided to start reading my friend's book, Winter's Fallen, and have loved every second of it.  It's engaging, easy to read, and it's crazy refreshing to have a "chick flick" kind of book that doesn't have a raunchy sex scene every five pages.   Go check it out!!

4.

In the Gym

Alright, I'm still struggling with finding the right time to workout.  Someone inspire me.  What do you do?  HOW do you work it in?  I need to get my brain in order, which is definitely the biggest problem, but I've got some sort of mental block as to how to make this happen.   Help me!

5.

Clown Update

Hmmmmm...Theo-Rio is back to full steam.  Well, as full steam as a little boy with no immune system in the middle of a Maine winter and who's exposed to germs over and over and over again at preschool.   But full steam for him.   The rest of the kiddos are happy to be back to a semi-regular daily life.  I'm trying really hard to stick to lots of sleeping and napping times to keep their immune systems going strong, so I'm limiting what we do and where we go.....but we're not quarantined at home anymore.  For now, anyways.

Nicholas is SPEEDING through learning to read, so I think I need to get looking for a good deal on a Nook (the simple touch ones).  Each boy above him has gotten one when they could officially read, and I'm thinking my goal (as his teacher) is going to try and get him reading officially by our May vacation so he can have a Nook in the car like the big kids.   Fingers crossed!

The crawler has also started climbing stairs to get out of our sunken living room.  Yikes!

6.

What I'm hearing....

The script of Big Hero 6, as the boys re-enact it in an attempt (I think) to convince me to purchase it on iTunes for tonight's family movie night........

7.

The Week in Review, aka Mommy's Bag of Tricks

Do you see these?

Magic beads, y'all.  Magic beads.

These are whole allspice beads.   From the spice section of your local grocery store.  Well, my local grocery store.  But you can find them on YOUR local grocery store's spice aisle, I'm sure of it.   

Want to know why they're magic?

See that cutie patootie baby there?  Do you see what's around her neck?

Yeppers, my baby wears a necklace when she's awake.   (she's a mouther, so I take it off when she's sleeping so she doesn't get to it before I get to her after she wakes up).

She smells like pumpkin pie.   It's delicious.

You know what else she's started doing since I got off my lazy butt and finally made her the necklace that I have been talking about making for MONTHS now?

Sleeping.

Oh glorious sleep, how I missed you.

She's also cutting TWO teeth right now.   Her gums are swollen and purple/bruised, and the teeth are pushing their way through.   Until two nights ago, she was waking up every 2 hours, not wanting to eat but wanting to be held and only sleep in my arms.  Typical teething behaviour.

Last night and the night before?  She slept seven glorious hours straight.  Seven, y'all.  I feel like a new girl over here.

You can read more about allspice necklaces here, from the friend I first learned about them from, but let.me.tell.you.  If you have a teething child, you *need* to try these things.  I was totally skeptical until a friend gave one to me with Grahaminator (who was cutting molars at the time and miserable) and my life was changed forever.  For-EV-er.   Suddenly we were sleeping again and everyone was happy and man, those teeth popped through so fast!   Flash forward 3 years to Baby Nicholas, and another allspice necklace, and another set of teeth popped through with NO medications and with lots of sleep.

Magic, y'all.  Magic.  You must read about it and try it!!   Seriously.  TRY IT.

****

Okay, the natives are growing restless and are scavenging for food again, so I need to get my burrito-buiding-game on and get movie night going.

Have a great weekend!!