I'm a member of an online Catholic Moms group, and recently, we've been having a discussion about what advice you'd give a "newer" mom if you got the chance to give any one piece of advice whatsoever. I've been thinking about that discussion a lot the past few days, and have been recalling the last ten years of my life and thinking about what has changed and what I wish had changed sooner, or maybe wish hadn't changed at all.
It's an interesting thought process. I've spent the last decade of my life raising the Circus clowns and a lot has changed during that time. When I sat there, trying to figure out what one piece of advice I'd give a "new mom", it really just came down to two words:
Lighten up.
That's it, really.
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Learn to trust yourself and your instincts. In the last ten years, the vast majority of my parenting decisions were the right ones.....when I paused to listen to "my gut." When I put so much value into the opinions of all of the "experts" out there....it usually ended up being the wrong decision. No one knows our kids and our family as well as me and Mike. With the exception of those who do know us very well and are very closely involved in our daily lives (ex: grandparents, our family doctor, close family friends), the opinions of others don't usually matter. I needed to stop letting them matter.
*******
My house doesn't look like a Crate and Barrel ad. I don't prepare gourmet meals. If you come over to visit, there's a good chance the toilet seat will be up and the toilet may very well not be flushed (!boys!). My kids' clothes don't always match. Heck, they don't usually match unless they're little enough for me to be dressing them myself. If you run into us later in the day....there's a really good chance that half of the Circus clowns will have dirty shirts on. What can I say? They're messy eaters and I'm not adding to my already massive laundry responsibility. Things aren't perfectly clean and in order, and that's okay. I needed to let go of that pressure to be perfect.
*******
I stopped micro-managing the clowns. The other day, I ran into another mom who confessed to being totally overwhelmed with her young son and commented that she just "didn't know how I did it with five kids!" I looked around at us and pointed out that all of my kids were in running shoes and sweatshirts, and not bundled up in complete, head-to-toe winter gear like her son was. I admitted to her that this was my "secret." I stopped telling them what to do all.of.the.time and let them make some decisions. Would they possibly be cold on the minutes-long walk from the car into the building? Probably. But they'd learn. And I had their winter stuff in the car in case of an accident or emergency. But I let them choose what they were going to wear and didn't waste my own time/energy on getting them bundled. Even the five year old, who looked to be about the same age as her son. They'd learn natural consequences, and my life was simplified and less stressful.
*******
I moved from man-on-man defense to zone defense. Getting us to the goal line (Heaven) became my only goal, and I wasn't going to be able to lead each child there by the hand. Instead, I was going to have to set the parameters and let them free. (Chesterton's "playground on a mountain" imagery works well for me here - I put the fence in place with rules and guidelines, but they were going to have to decide what to do within that fence itself). My job was to give them the tools to get to Heaven, not be their personal chauffeur.
*******
Triaging became the name of the game. I got really good at realizing that I wasn't going to be able to be all things to all children, but I could be the right thing for the right situation/child. Those who needed me most were who I went to first. It might sound cold, in some way, but I think it actually had hidden benefits. One, my clowns began to be a little bit more independent and started using that critical thinking that I really wanted them to practice. And two, I started to watch individual relationships pop up between the Circus clowns that hadn't previously been there. Theo and Graham have an intensely strong bond. The baby *loves* Joseph. If I had tried to be everything to everyone, there wouldn't have been the chance for Joseph to swoop in and pick the baby up when she wanted to cuddle/be held. The hard part is feeling confident in my ability to judge who needs me the most....and to remember to check in with (and focus on) the child who is quiet enough to blend into the background but yet still needs some Mommy time.
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Marriage is work, and won't be perfect all of the time. Those first date flutters and flowers aren't always going to be there. Marriage won't always look like the chick flicks that I based my whole concept of love on in high school.....and that's okay. I needed to lighten up there, too. Mike might not always surprise me with fancy dates and trips for just the two of us. But he would step in and clean the kitchen up so I don't have to. Or let me sleep in on a Saturday morning, and greet me with coffee when I stumble out of bed. Love looked a lot more like the big, comfy sweatshirt that I'd lounge around in than the fancy dress and high heels that I thought it would be. And that's okay. In fact, it's good, because it's the true reality of life, not the magazine version.
*******
So, Heidi-from-ten-years-ago, here's what Heidi-from-the-now would tell you, if she could:
Lighten up.
Life will look a lot brighter once you start to do that.
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