Are we short-changing our kids?

This is a blog post that’s been percolating in my brain for almost a year now - it’s just been bouncing around, and popping up at the most interesting moments since last March.

You see, in March of 2017, we inquired about adopting a young boy (9 months!!) from Mr T’s home country.   The placing agency, who was based in another state, was completely on board with us starting a second adoption, and after contacting their partner agency in Mr T’s country, we discovered that they, too, were supportive of us adopting another child.

However, with an adoption, you have to have a local agency (typically) perform the home study - it needs to be someone who can physically come inspect your house and watch your parenting in “real time”, and that report is your golden ticket for immigration approval and moving forward with the adoption.   We reached out to the agency who had done our home study with Mr T, since we were still living in Maine….and were told no.   The reason given?   They had a blanket policy of no more than 5 children under the age of 16 in the house.   We were told “I’m sorry, but we do not make exceptions to this policy.  When Mr J is older than 16, come back to see us.  We’d happily do it for you then!”

We were denied not because of our parenting, or our resources, or our physical home.  Nope, those were all fine.   It was purely the fact that we had more than 5 kids under the age of 16 at home.   There was no budging for the fact that our children were healthy and thriving and we could obviously provide for them - it was a technical policy, and it applied to our family size.

I won’t lie and say that I’m not still bitter about it.   We ended up with this job in Michigan, and a much improved family situation.   A move mid-process would have been difficult, because there isn’t an approved agency in our current area who could do the home study.   I know this now, but I can’t help but wonder about this little boy and hope that he’s in a good situation now.  I know he is no longer on the waiting child list for our agency, so my hope is that he’s been adopted and is now home in a family, and thriving.  

I think about that blanket policy often, and it’s been on my mind quite a bit this summer.   We’ve had a very busy summer, with lots of traveling, after adjusting to a new home and community, which can be very stressful on kids.  If I was honest about our move, I’d tell you that I was terrified to move so far away from the only home that my kids really could remember.  Some of the older ones have vague recollections of Arizona, but we weren’t there long enough for it to really stick as “home” in their minds.   Maine was home, and moving away from that home as a child was going to be possibly really difficult.   

We had some sad moments, of course, but I’ve been very surprised by the lack of strife with regard to our move this past year.   I keep waiting for the “other shoe to drop.”  We’re almost at our one-year anniversary in the tundra, and I’m starting to breathe more easily when it comes to adjustments and whatnot with the kids.

As I sat and watched the kids over the summer, I realized that it was precisely because of our large family size that our kids adjusted so well to our new home.   Now, I am *not* implying that kids in smaller families will not or cannot adjust well to a family move, but I do think that our family size had a lot to do with *our* individual move.

I think this is just one part of why these blanket family size policies and stereotypes bother me - they leave an implication that a child growing up in a large family is inherently growing up in a “less than” environment, or is inherently missing something.   In some cases, it’s not even implied - it’s explicitly stated that a child in a large family is being neglected.   Now, as much as it gets under my skin to have a blanket policy in an adoption situation, my frustration in these cases is more that it’s a blanket policy, with little wiggle room at some agencies.   I do understand that adoption necessarily comes from a place of loss and trauma, even in the best of situations, and that can be much more difficult to navigate logistically and emotionally when there are more people involved in the situation.   I do not think every large family policy in an adoption situation is a bad decision on the part of the agency - I know of many situations where a child coming home to a large family did not have a positive outcome, precisely because of past experiences or lack of training/resources on the adoptive family’s part.   I understand the concern.    I do not understand the lack of flexibility on the part of some agencies - in our situation, we were told to “come back in a few years”.   This implied that our family could provide for a second adoption and we had the skills to do so……we just didn’t have the right demographics.  It was, and is, frustrating.

All of this watching and thinking has led me to really examine my own thoughts and perceptions on family size. This has been a surprising thought exercise over the summer - I’ve uncovered some built in preconceptions that I didn’t even realize I had.   As I worked my way through them, I followed them back to conversations in my teen and high school and college years that colored my thoughts on what parenting and family looked like.  

I can remember hearing a lot of “There’s no possible way” comments with regard to larger families in my yesteryears.   “There’s no way they can spend quality time with each kid.”  “There’s no way those kids are able to do enough extracurriculars.”  “There’s no way they can truly support their dreams.”   “There’s no way they can take care of that many kids - the older kids are just being asked to be babysitters to their siblings.”  

I won’t argue that there isn’t some appearance of truth in these comments.   I would not argue that they are true statements, though.   Is it possibly true in some large families?  Sure.    It’s just not necessarily inherently true of all large families.

I do have to pick and choose what activities our family participates in, and sometimes that means that someone has to sacrifice an activity because it won’t work for our family.   We no longer do story times and regular playdates for the preschoolers - it just doesn’t work with our educational goals for our older kids, and education comes before story time.    Our older ones have to say no to some things:   outings with friends, or participating in an extracurricular, as examples.   There just aren’t enough people to go around to take them to these places, or the environment isn’t safe for the younger ones.  They may never participate in a homeschool co-op, because it just doesn’t work for Mr T’s needs.   

Our children will never have their own bedroom.   They just won’t, it’s a fact of our life as a large family.

Toys and belongings are shared at the Circus - there are very, very few items that we allow to be only one child’s.   Resources are meant to be shared - and this includes toys.  Each child has their own storage place that is for their personal belongings - special loveys, mementos, things like that.

In these ways, I suppose our children are inherently being limited because they are members of a large family.   I have not figured out how to bilocate yet, and I have not yet found our money tree.   Because of our family size, we do have to be intentional about time and money management.

Are these negatives, though?   Are these sacrifices that we ask our children to make really all that exclusive to large families?   I would venture a guess that there are some of you out there in *much* smaller families than the Circus who also live by these standards.   We’re not talking about large-family specific things there.

So, let’s look at the other concerns - the concerns of limited quality time, babysitting, and chores.    Are these inherently negative in a large family?

I would argue that these actually aren’t negative at all - these are the positives that we find in a large family.  Maybe someday one of the kids will come forward as holding it against us that they had to do chores, but I sincerely doubt it.

Quality time?  It’s amazing how much of this you can find when you’re being intentional about it.   A hot chocolate date on a grocery store run with Mom.   A weekend camping with “just the boys” with Dad.  Reading books one-on-one on the couch.   Being Mom’s helper in the kitchen every night.  All of these things are incredibly high-quality relationship building time, and all of them happen on a regular basis at the Circus.  

The best part?  It’s not just this way in the parent/child relationship.   The Circus clowns have 5 built-in best friends and playmates.  FIVE!   The bonds between them are intense and well-nurtured precisely because we are a large family:  there’s nowhere to hide for long at the Circus before someone finds you.  Our house just isn’t big enough for everyone to ignore each other.   It is necessary and *good* that they have each other, and they have each other all of the time.   I think this experience, and these bonds, are what made our adjustment during our move so smooth.   It didn’t necessarily matter *where* our family was, just that we were *together*.   

Are we not able to do more out-of-the house activities as a large family?  Yes.  It’s hard to find activities that cover our entire age span, and finances necessarily limit the number of “extras” we can do.   A local hockey game for four?   $56.   For 8?  $112.   Not including food.  

But do you know what that leaves us with?   An incredibly deep well of free time to be filled by quality interactions.  With no stress of having to get ourselves anywhere.   I realized this as I watched my three littles play together the other day.  I had been sitting there, feeling guilty as I realized that there was yet another story time at the library that I was missing with them.  I was worrying about how much they were missing out that I had done with their older siblings when I only had 2 or 3 of them.     When story time was manageable on my own.  I sat there, feeling guilty and worried that I was letting them down….and then I realized that they were engaging their imaginations and playing together in a way that I’d never let their older siblings do before.   I’d kept the three oldest on such a busy schedule of all these “enrichment activities”….but never let them do the beneficial work of playing and imagining on their own.   I watched the littles and realized something very important:   they were learning MORE by being able to explore and play and create on their own, without the special programs and activities.  

Do they have to do more chores?  Yes.  There are more of us, so some things (laundry and food prep, I’m looking at you) just have to be done at a bigger volume.   In order to make the house run smoothly, they have to pitch in.   Do I worry about taking away their childhood with adult responsibilities?  Sometimes, yes.   I stress about whether or not I’m asking them to do too much.    But….then I’m presented with a sound financial plan from one child, as he works toward a goal.    Or, I watch the teenager do laundry like a pro, knowing that I went to college not knowing how to wash my own clothes.  The 12 year old can jump in and help grandparents with the littler ones, because he knows basic baby care.   I can’t help but imagine that these skills will help them get far in life - both the physical ability of knowing how to do things like cook their own dinner, but emotionally/mentally, as well.   Knowing the value of working together as a team, and seeing the positive outcomes when each team member does their share will help them go far as future members of our community. 

Are large families short changing their children because of lack of resources, including lack of time? 

I don’t think so.  Let’s rethink the blanket policies and stereotypes, shall we?